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what is being referring to is a POWER greater than our addiction that makes possible what seems impossible. well a bit of linguistic gymnastics today, to get my seed to fit what is in my mind. is that an example of self-will run riot? perhaps, however i heard something very specific this morning as i returned from the quiet within, and i really want to go to it.
for some reason, this is one of those readings that always sets my teeth on edge. it is not corny, nor is it filled with poorly constructed, tired, mixed metaphors, so there should be no reason for such a reaction, especially after all i have come through to get where i am today. the amazing part of this reaction is it has always been present, back in the day, when i was just speaking the words and doing what it took to look like i was walking the path. this reaction was understandable. after all, i was my own HIGHER POWER, fooling probation, my treatment counselors, and the members of the fellowship, with what looked like to me, very little effort. back then i did not want to be reminded that there needed to be some sort of HIGHER POWER, regardless of what IT was called, if i was to enter recovery, as i had no desire to really be a part of the freak show as i saw it, called recovery.
in early recovery, as i explored the whole concept, this reaction was expected also. after all, i had the weight of the religion as i saw it, bearing down upon my shoulders, and the last thing i wanted was to go back to being under the yoke of that concept of GOD.
as i have worked steps and stayed clean, i have come to terms with the whole “GOD issue,” at least i thought so. yes there are times when i refrain from using GOD in my writings, what i share in meeting and even in my prayers, and i tell myself that i just need some space when i do so. in actuality, i now see, that i am not now nor will i probably ever be comfortable using the term “GOD.” that is why this reading disturbs me to such a degree. the word GOD, still brings up feelings of being subjugated to a dogma beyond my understanding and a spiritual path that relies heavily on FAITH, without any weight given to the evidence at hand. i know that the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living does not ascribe to any of that bullsh!t, nor is there anyone at the door handing out tracts or asking inane questions about my state of grace. that is why i keep coming back, this fellowship goes to great lengths to detach itself from religious paths, except in the matter of the use of the word GOD. why there is such an attachment to a term that is loaded for so many of us, mystifies me to this day, and still triggers reactions in me, that are not always healthy, even though i have some to terms with the whole HIGHER POWER concept, the label of convenience irks me still today. this reading, on some level, feels like they are shoving it down my throat. it feels like they say you are free to… BUT HERE IS WHAT THE REALITY IS!
where does that leave me? well, i feel better that i have finally said what has been bottled up inside, even though it is in a writing that may or may not be read by anyone else. i feel relieved when i know that i could have shared this at a meeting and not been drummed out of the fellowship. most of all, i feel secure that yes even GOD, can show me the way to being a better man today if i allow HIM to. i know that i am powerless over addiction and i need a POWER GREATER than myself to stay clean today. that POWER is not the GOD i was force fed when i was a child. it is not the GOD i rebelled against as a teenager. it is not the GOD whose existence i was far to arrogant to even consider, one way or another, throughout most of my adult life. no IT is the POWER that keeps me clean and provides for all my needs, and as long as i remember that IT is the POWER and not some silly label, all will be well.
so after that small puke, i do believe it is time to hit the streets and see if i can pound out some calories, after all it is GOD that has filled me with the desire to be better physically as i have grown spiritually, and it is GOD that gives me the opportunity to do so. for that i am grateful this morning.

∞ DT ∞