Blog entry for:

understanding may be. one of the attributes i find most appealing and at the same time most repellent about the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living, is the undefined and vague manner in which the term GOD, is thrown around. that dichotomy is expressed all the time and persists throughout the written literature and the oral tradition that comes down throw the chains of sponsorship. even though, at times this issue seems to be addressed “head-on,” there is still a whole lot of arm waving, jazz hands and magic dismissals going on.
the appealing part, which was what attracted me to this fellowship in the first place was that my peers did not fall into the trap of using a familiar and pervasive religious tradition for the basis of our common spiritual paths. the other fellowship[, that i dabbled around with for the first eighteen months of my recovery, paid lip-service to not being of a religious following, only to use that religious tradition and its prayers, because that was what their founders did. of all the attributes of that other fellowship that did not allow me to be a good fit, that was the most egregious and telling one. the fact that i willingly “borrowed” my first sponsor's HIGHER POWER, because IT was there and for the sake of expediency, should have been a clue that i was not going to be able to remain in recovery with that fellowship as the source of my recovery journey. the repellent side of this issue, is the fact i was allowed to stumble around, until i found a concept of a HIGHER POWER that suited me, instead of having the most obvious one, forced down my throat. sometimes the vague and often oblique way the fellowship touches on this issue, drives me freaking nuts, but i am glad that it does exactly that.
as i sit here expounding why i am here and not there, there is an issue that i also need to touch upon and it goes to this issue in a huge manner. in order for this addict to recover in that other fellowship, i had to do some major linguistical juggling. every time the primary focus of that fellowship was mentioned, i had to append: ” and all mood and mind altering substances,” to make the literature fit my oh so unique circumstances. admitting my powerlessness over this and that, became a chore, and as i stayed clean and started to develop respect for the traditions, it became more difficult to stay within the traditions and share in a respectful manner. moving over to a place where addiction and not what i used is the primary focus relieved me of that burden, as all that i shared just fit, PERIOD. the rub came, however, when i started having to address GOD head on. even though i have grown into a spiritual path that does not explicitly have anything to do with GOD, i am still have to share about my Experience, Strength and HOPE, to my peers, and that linguistic juggling act can , once a again become part of what i “think” i need to do. the simple fact is, in my world, when i say GOD, i mean the POWER that fuels my recovery. in my spiritual view, when i say HIGHER POWER, i mean the POWER that fuels my recovery. when i hear my peers share about GOD or HIGHER POWER, i know in my heart of hearts, that they are speaking to me about the POWER that fuels my recovery and as i continue to grow, i can feel that replacement without explicitly making that replacement and i can share from my heart about my spiritual journey instead of from my head.
yes there are times when i want to provide “guidance” to those who take issue with the concept of GOD and help them to put away their bias and prejudice. in those moments i reflect on my journey and share about how i came to find peace with the issue, instead of shoving any sort of dogma down their throats. i know that i am far from unique in how i came to believe and the missteps and trying to fit into this round peg into that very square hole, made my recovery stronger, so i resist that notion and let them know that they too, do not need to make an accommodation, although they have to be is willing to let go of what they think and allow their heart to find their spiritual path. this is a spiritual not religious path and my task is to provide an example \\, not the means to reach a similar place. it is true, that often, i find myself trying missing the point of what a peer is trying to tell me, because my bias and prejudice bubbles up from the depths of my experience and i end up shooting the messenger and missing the message. the fact of the matter is, because i was given freedom from active addiction and the freedom to find my own spiritual path, i need to extend that same courtesy to all my peers, whether or not i understand or feel their concept of what is. no one ever said this was going to be easy, and i have to agree. learning to be more than the sum of my preconceived notions, is still a journey i am safely embarked upon and one that will be part of my recovery for as long as i stay clean, there really is no mystery here, all i have to be is better than i was yesterday and that is something i can apply in my life today.

∞ DT ∞