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does not tell me anything about what i have to think about the POWER that fuels my recovery. this is one of my favorite topics and in the past i have told the sordid tale of my coming to believe and what it is that i believe in. i have also used this topic to rail against other fellowships that endorse religions even when they say they do not. since i have been there and done that, in fact i even have the “T” shirt, hopefully i will go in another direction.
something that struck me in the meeting last night, was how long i worked a FEAR based program, and how well those foundations still serve me today. my life as an addict recovering because i was afraid of relapse and the consequences thereof, created the FAITH based program that i live today. today i have FAITH that if i do the stuff i did out of FEAR, way back when, i will get everything i NEED today. that FAITH has been rewarded time and again, by yet another day clean. even though living in life in FEAR sucked, even in recovery, what i have today, is worth the cost i paid back in the day.
so here i sit at the end of my ELEVENTH STEP, trying figure out if i am done, or if i need to allow some more time for things to gel. what i keep hearing is: “what the fVck is your hurry?” as a result, i do nothing, which for me sucks, and wait for a process i thought i understood, but apparently do not, to run its course. the amazing part of it is, that today i have that what i am feeling, is exactly what i need to do. interestingly enough, the more i hear my peers, friends and acquaintances wrap themselves in spiritual camouflage, the more i want to own and expose my flaws, shortcomings and failures. what i once though was so fVcking important, appearing to be the spiritual guru and recovery zen master of my local fellowship, has been passed on to someone else, and he is certainly running with that notion. what i am today, and more than likely tomorrow and all the days that follow, is just another addict, who because he was so afraid of relapse, has built a very strong program of recovery that sustains him today. that program and the sustenance i draw form it, depends on my relationship with the POWER that fuels my recovery and i am finally coming to the place that i need to be, to allow that definition to be written out and shared with another human being.
that however is a topic for another day. it is a great day to be lean and to be gainfully employed, after all, i do not live on prayer and meditation alone!

∞ DT ∞