Blog entry for:

all the stuff that may seem impossible, for instance, keeping me clean for this slice of twenty-four hours.
i apologize for the disjointed and mostly incoherent ramble yesterday, here is where i could let loose the floodgates of excuses, rationalizations and justifications, BUT here is where i allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to act and stop with an apology, it just was.
topping off the next mini-topic on my stack this morning, is that i am troubled and saddened by the death of the cops in Dallas last night. no matter how arrogant, abusive or above the bounds of human decency any one cop may be, NO ONE deserves to be targeted and shot in cold blood.
finally, got all of that off the stack, perhaps i will make better sense today than i did yesterday. yes, as many of you know, i was GOD averse in the beginning and throughout various phases of my recovery. these days, i call myself a “godless heathen” and have no issue whatsoever with GOD or anyone else's concept of a HIGHER POWER. the journey from there to here has been long, winding and certainly fraught with peril after peril. the greatest journey, was the one i needed to take to my heart and actually feel the POWER that fuels my recovery and open my eyes and ears to what that POWER does for me on a daily basis. i can hear your eyes rolling as you think to yourselves: “here we go again,” however that quick peek at my journey is all that you get today.
following up on my current step assignment, when i started this round of steps, i was very dissatisfied with what i saw as my spiritual condition. i wanted something more, and felt empty, even though i was no longer trying to fill that “GOD-shaped” with anything but GOD. i had surrendered to the idea that the concept that i had developed over the past few years was good enough, and it certainly was as evidenced by my staying clean, and was willing to live in the world of a mediocre and common notion of GOD. not that GOD was mediocre, just my understanding of GOD and how to develop and maintain a conscious contact with GOD. it is not that i was riddled with spiritual angst, but i was certainly not a very happy camper in this aspect of my recovery. worse yet, was that i did not even know how dissatisfied and restless i was, even though nothing was good enough for me ever. i had moved from a FEAR based program to a HOPE based program, but had yet to arrive at a FAITH based program. ironically now that i have arrived r-there, it is not my FAITH in GOD that gives me the strength it is my FAITH in my recovery program and that allows me to find GOD, and a spiritual belief system. i have the FAITH to roll out of bed, because i know that the POWER that fuels my recovery, will give me whatever i need to stay clean today. i have the FAITH to augment that certainty by diligently applying the principles of recovery in my life. i was about to go a bit of a rampage echoing the litany of sins i have heard the past few days from out of the mouths of my peers, but decided to stop myself in my tracks. i implement that FAITH by living the program the best that i can, and when i do that, i do not need to explain, or justify myself in any way. i know what i am doing is correct and i have the FAITH, that if i pay attention to what it is i am feeling, what i am seeing and what i am hearing in the world around me. after all, as i was so clumsily trying to say, that is how i can detect the “voice” of GOD.
okay, before moving into my very busy work day, i can say this, i am certain that i can stay clean today, as i have FAITH in the 12 step porgram that has become my life. i may not have FAITH in any one human being, or in any notion of GOD as IT may be know, but i do know that if i follow the tenets of this program to the best of my ability, i will find a path that leads to a person who can be genuine, self-assured and whole.

∞ DT ∞