Blog entry for:

it is not easy to share in a meeting when after a number of years clean only to dissolve into tears because life has made me realize my powerlessness. honestly, this is one of the things i hate the most about having some time clean. not that the members in my home group, or any group that i may attend, expect me to be some sort of spiritual giant, capable of handling whatever comes my way, with a bit of step work and a quick call to my sponsor. no it is me, that expects that of myself, and it is my prides and ego that prevents me from sharing about the dark times in the very place where i can get the help i just may need to stay clean today.
so as i sit here this morning, going over in my head, some of the stuff i spoke about with my sponsee, last night, i am struck by a similar misgiving, what i suggested he ought to do, is the same stuff that i see myself needing to do.allowing myself the freedom to be human, to make mistakes, and treating myself as my peer, not some sort of super recovering-always-has-all-the-answers addict. when i step away from how i feel i need to appear and start to deal with how i really feel, i am often surprised by how relieved i become. it is amazing how the image i have built up in my head betrays me and is often the fodder for yet another round of self-abuse and flagellation.
well i would like to go on, expounding upon this topic, BUT for once, i have run out of words, so in closing i will just state for the record, that this morning i am okay. there is nothing weighing down upon me that is beyond my ability to carry, and i realize that the amount of things i am powerless over is just as infinite today, as it was yesterday, so i can wail and moan, or i can go take my trot around the ’hood and get moving forward with my day and i choose…
… the move forward. CUL8TER!

∞ DT ∞