โ whether i have thirty days or thirty years clean, โ
Posted: Thu, Jul 13, 2006 07:14:39 AM
i must be willing to ask for help when i need it.
and that is almost always a problem for me, you know the asking for help. after all, it was all about appearances for me in active addiction and that thought still creeps into my recovery on a nearly daily basis. i mean how does it look for me, the grand old dude of my local fellowship to be having tough times, sharing about those bad times in a meeting and sitting there and actually listening to suggestions from the members in attendance? like i might actually have a modicum of humility, not much mind you, but, enough to be real about what is occurring in my life. i wish this was the case with me on a continual basis, but unfortunately i gotta get pretty fucked up internally and that landscape has to be pretty bleak before i will break down and let someone know what exactly is going on with me.
and now that i think about it, exactly what pay-off do i get for waiting until i am in such dire straits? it makes my girl friend fucking nutz because she thinks i am incapable of letting her in on what is going on. it drives away my family and friends because i behave with total disregard of anyone else’s feelings. and i probably create an atmosphere of fear, uncertainty and doubt in the rooms, and in the lives of the men i sponsor. so the payoff for looking good is less self-acceptance, more self-flagellation, and greater distance from myself and all of those who care about me. YUMMY, sounds so appealing think i will run out and get me some! not!
so exactly what is this addict to do? well, i can start by sharing in this little forum that i am not confident at all about my future, the part of me i call my addict, keeps telling me that in just a few days everyone i currently am working for will find out what a sham i am and kick me to the curb. that voice also tells me that my girl friend is just hanging around until a better prospect comes along, she is lying to me when she says she loves me. and that voice tells me that no matter what, it is inevitable, i will use again, why prolong the misery, just do it and get it over. i know that voice is a liar, but the siren song of what it suggests is some days quite difficult to resist. but today i know that i am only a regular garden variety addict, who has more that a few issues about being worthy of making a decision or two. i can recover and grow and perhaps today is the day i will put pen to paper and move forward in my step work. or maybe i will just let myself get a bit sicker -- after all that choice is mine to make today!
and that is almost always a problem for me, you know the asking for help. after all, it was all about appearances for me in active addiction and that thought still creeps into my recovery on a nearly daily basis. i mean how does it look for me, the grand old dude of my local fellowship to be having tough times, sharing about those bad times in a meeting and sitting there and actually listening to suggestions from the members in attendance? like i might actually have a modicum of humility, not much mind you, but, enough to be real about what is occurring in my life. i wish this was the case with me on a continual basis, but unfortunately i gotta get pretty fucked up internally and that landscape has to be pretty bleak before i will break down and let someone know what exactly is going on with me.
and now that i think about it, exactly what pay-off do i get for waiting until i am in such dire straits? it makes my girl friend fucking nutz because she thinks i am incapable of letting her in on what is going on. it drives away my family and friends because i behave with total disregard of anyone else’s feelings. and i probably create an atmosphere of fear, uncertainty and doubt in the rooms, and in the lives of the men i sponsor. so the payoff for looking good is less self-acceptance, more self-flagellation, and greater distance from myself and all of those who care about me. YUMMY, sounds so appealing think i will run out and get me some! not!
so exactly what is this addict to do? well, i can start by sharing in this little forum that i am not confident at all about my future, the part of me i call my addict, keeps telling me that in just a few days everyone i currently am working for will find out what a sham i am and kick me to the curb. that voice also tells me that my girl friend is just hanging around until a better prospect comes along, she is lying to me when she says she loves me. and that voice tells me that no matter what, it is inevitable, i will use again, why prolong the misery, just do it and get it over. i know that voice is a liar, but the siren song of what it suggests is some days quite difficult to resist. but today i know that i am only a regular garden variety addict, who has more that a few issues about being worthy of making a decision or two. i can recover and grow and perhaps today is the day i will put pen to paper and move forward in my step work. or maybe i will just let myself get a bit sicker -- after all that choice is mine to make today!
∞ DT ∞