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better than this!
two ideas rolled in and around my head during the brief time i could sit this morning. the first being, the interesting set of relationships i have with my friends, sponsees and peers in recovery. the second, which i will explore first, is how i let a few of those relationships grow way beyond what they are , and gave been carrying other people's shite. the entire notion of doing what i say i am going to do, even when no one else knows, has been coloring my perceptions of some of the people in my life. because i hold myself to a higher standard of integrity, i EXPECT others, especially those in recovery to hold themselves to a similar standard and behave accordingly. it will be interesting across the course of the next few weeks to see who lives up to their words and whether or not their hot air will be matched by equal enthusiasm when it comes time to put up.
moving along, but still in the same theme. the men i sponsor, oftentimes come to me for a bit of direction about how to handle situations in their life. some of times they come to me with problems and conflicts, that involve people i like and care for. other time, they are having issues, with someone i have dealt with in the past. for me, it is hard to separate out my personal feelings and not co-sign my sponsees bullsh!t, especially when it is someone who i have already decided is not worth the effort to strengthen and build whatever relationship we may have already formed. fortunately there are not too many of those left in my life and over the course of the next few weeks, there may be a few less. no very fVCking humble! well in a sense it is, after all, even though i may have an infinite capacity to love, in reality i will only love so many. those who say one thing, then do another, really are not worth me spending any of my precious resources on. that means that requests made months ago, may drop by the wayside unless i get reminder that i agreed to them. that means what they assume about how valuable my time is in comparison to theirs may be totally wrong. in reality, that means what was once assumed to be true, may no longer be the case. it is not out of resentment nor spite i am going there, it is all ,about survival, as i am quite well-versed at taking on the shite of others, even after a few days clean. the men i sponsor, when they come to me with their issues, remind me that i do the same thing, and whatever words of direction i offer them, applies to me as well.
which brings me to the interesting set of relationships that i have in my life. i am a social retard. i have been this way for quite some time, and only through this set of steps, have i become more socially integrated. as i sit and contemplate where i am now, i see that in most cases i am noticeably better in social situations than i once was. the other thing is what others may tell me about my peers and acquaintances, i use my own sense of who and what they are, to set the course of my interactions with them. i have friends who are peers in recovery. i have peers in recovery. i have sponsees, who are friends. i have men i sponsor, who are not now and may never become my friend. the permutations go on and on and on and to recite a litany of them would not be productive. needless to say, keeping all of those relationships straight, has been part of what i have learned over the course of my recovery. i was considering doing a bit of an experiment of starting to “unfriend” some of those in my life on FaceBook to see who notices. did one yesterday, will leave it at that for now. anyhow it is mostly the men i sponsor who have helped me see how important social interaction is in my life and work towards becoming less retarded in this aspect. does that mean i will become a social butterfly, flitting from one engagement to another with little concern for others, but looking quite fVcking good, all the while? nope, i see what as series of shallow relationships get me, not much. i may look good, but for me, it is all about quality not quantity and those who are unwilling or unable to invest, are certainly not worth my time, once again not so humble is it? unless humility is knowing who i am, and acting accordingly. finally i am giving up the notion that i have to FRIEND everyone and what that those i do not like, still deserve the same respect that i expect.
so maybe tomorrow the next so-called “friend” will be removed from my social media. today, things will be the same as i totter down the road and get my a$$ to work.

∞ DT ∞