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one of my sponsees is quite fond of saying that: once he starts sharing about humility, he is no longer humble, and i get that as well. the point he is making is, that when he speaks about HOW humble he may or may not be, he has moved from being humble to being all sorts of other things. the reading, at least what i heard today, was about being who i was and not fronting to be someone else. for me, that is an excellent topic to expound upon.
i have mentioned this more than once, but it's worth repeating this morning, part of how addiction manifests in my life, is i want to appear the way i think you want to see me. this notion has risen to the heights of obsession, especially when in those days between my first meeting and my clean date. i felt there was nothing wrong, fronting clean time, when i always had less than thirty days, after all, this was the solution to the legal problem i had gotten myself entangled in, and not anything to do with drugs, in any way shape or form. it would be wonderful to say that i got clean and all of a sudden i showed the world the man i was, 100% of the time, with no effort, that however was not the case. before i dwell in the darkness too much longer i need to say this as well: today i am much better at being who i am, and showing that person to my employer, my co-workers, my peers in recovery and most importantly to those who love and care for me. better yes, perfect, not yet!
in my opinion the reading was speaking of the continuum of how much i reveal and how hon est i am in how i act. it is true, when i am “tore up from the floor up,” i have been known to cry and let people see that. when i am just a bit twisted, sick or confused, well those are the times when i hide, obfuscate and generally practice my deceptive shell game of showing only part of my hand, after all, what would others think if i am less than the spiritual guru and giant, i want to be?
so there you have, my take on being who i am, and most of all, being able to show that to the world around me, after all, in my book that is what humility and being humble is all about..

∞ DT ∞