Blog entry for:

gets downright difficult. when those times come barreling down the pike, am i willing to reach out and ask for the help i need? so this is not going to be a plea for help, as i am doing okay today, well a bit better than okay, but not a well as i would like to be doing. this too shall pass. nor is this going to be a testament to how when i needed to reach out and get some assistance with life on life's terms, i actually made that call. the fact that i am clean today, is certainly testament enough to having done that a time or three during my recovery journey, as i would not be writing this if i chose to live in my own self-will and gritted my teeth and stayed clean of sheer willpower alone. i am not sure what this will be, as it has been many hours since i sat and what i felt then has long since passed.
as i was sitting in my home group this morning, a number of my peers shared some things that i really, really wanted to cross talk on. i chose to be quiet and the POWER that fuels my recovery gave me the patience to allow others to share what they needed to share. one of the topics that came up was all about romantic attraction. for me, my “picker” was certainly broken even after a year or two clean and some progress through the step. when i was using, i could cull the neediest, most co-dependent women from any group. those women became hostages to my desires and when i tired of them, i kicked them to the curb with a whole lot of meaningless lies and disingenuous actions, pretending to accept the blame for the end and actually blaming them. it was not until i was midway through my second set of steps that i became aware of what i had wanted and why i wanted it. what i discovered was that i never wanted an equal partner, i wanted to control, manipulate and be the dominate member of the sick and twisted pairings. it really was me and not them. learning how to live in equality with a partner in life has been challenging but also one of the most rewarding tasks i have ever undertaken. not that i do it perfectly by any means, but by uncovering who i am, i am able to love her for who she is. i allowed myself the FREEDOM to choose to do something different, for a change and the results have been amazing, i GET to share my life with someone and not regret a single minute of that life, even when i am suffering the consequences for my inattention to that relationship.
the other topic i wanted to chime in on today, was what STEP ONE means in my life today. my addiction is still centered in taking risks and not getting caught. i get a rush every time i succeed in that little exercise of self-will and want more. i can and do obsess about the next time i will be able to do so, and once i succeed i compulsively keep raising the stakes and get closer and closer to being detected. perhaps that is the opening i need to get moving on my THIRD STEP, after all, that seems to be growing in DESIRE and i am becoming less willing to let that go. quite a departure from how i want to “look.” it is, of course what it is. i think with that thought in mind i will wrap this up and let it all go, just for today.

∞ DT ∞