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than this, is a familiar refrain in my play book. i often look to keeping up appearances as acting **as-if** nothing can upset the fragile apple-cart i call my serenity. the fact is, i am not as **well** as i want to project and my ego plays a huge role in **saving my face when my ass is falling off. this morning, as i deal with a bit of pain from the fourteener i climbed on Thursday, i want to reach for an over-the-counter solution, even though i have agreed to refrain from doing so, as i prepare for a recurring medical procedure, later this month. i am, however, going to continue using a topical pain relief measure and adjust my physical activity to limit my discomfort.
sitting here in the midst of this of a pandemic, i can say that the events of world are affecting my serenity and my balance. what i am feeling is more than a little bit of angst as i see my friend and acquaintances divide into two separate and distinct groups: those who critically think and those who live in the world of Fox News conspiracy theories. i am not sure when some people stopped living in the real world and traipsed over to the fantasy world based on opinions rather than science. the Earth is not flat, COVID-19 was not developed to bring on a “New World Order” and social distancing and wearing a mask is not something that is done to make someone else feel “comfortable” when they happen to be in tight, enclosed spaces. there is a principle called Occam's Razor, that states that the simplest explanation is most often the correct one. it seems to me that those who “doubt” the reality of this particular disease, have stopped thinking and allowed the media to feed them the predigested pablum that supports a political agenda, as all around them, the deaths attributed to this “hoax” mount up.
oops, got on to a soapbox there and it is time to come back to reality. the reality for me, is that i see “sheeples” willing to march down well trodden corridors into the valley of steel, pretending the danger is not real. that the thoughts, behaviors, attitudes and ignorance of others could have such an effect on me, is not a fact i care to “own” as i hold myself above, living a life based on a lie. i did that for far too many years, and recovery has revealed to me, that i no longer have to do so. the lie i came to recovery with, is that i could stop using any time and that i was not an addict. uncontrolled drug use was just a phase i was going through and it would pass, with the proper application of my will. today i accept that is not the case and that if i want to be “better” i have to listen to what others are telling me, implement those suggestions into my life and live the program of recovery that allows me the freedom to be more than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞