Blog entry for:

but no one can understand. there are times in my recovery when just waking up and going on is feels to hard to do. last night i really felt like using for the first time in quite a while. i went to see an addict but did not share with him what was going on, for whatever silly reason my amazing magnifying mind came up with. this morning i am sitting here after reading the morning reading, praying and meditating and i still feel disconnected and empty. it is kind of strange that although i have this resentment against GOD and how i was created that i would still attempt to do what i have done since the dawn of my time in recovery.
the nature of my resentment, is that if i was created just a bit differently, my friend jim would not be suffering today. so i can see it is not my fault that i was not ‘good enough’ to save my friend -- it is GOD's fault and as a result i am angry. since i have been angry for over six months, i am sure it is a resentment and so i am stuck. how the hell can i turn my will and my life over to a being who constructed me just imperfect enough that i could not meet someone else's needs.
so now my crap is out, in a public forum, one that my friends may or may not read, so i can tell myself that i did ask for help and no one reached out.
anyhow i am sad and angry and a bit less confused about what is going on inside. i do know that i need a shoulder, a hug and some time with someone who may or may not understand, but at least is willing to listen.
∞ DT ∞