Blog entry for:

or twenty-three years, clean time is no indication of who the still suffering addict happens to be, although the former, may be far more willing to admit that they need a helping hand, than the latter. i know that for this addict, the past year has been less than stellar: my Dad dies, pandemic ruined my social life, my job is going away and i am having trouble getting my foot in the door for a new job. emotionally i have been “tore up from the floor up”, with a heinous revelation in a FOURTH/FIFTH STEP cycle, that ripped apart everything i thought i knew about myself. as though dark days, piled up, i was became more willing to share about it, but less willing to allow anyone to help me. after all, i thought, i can do this! despite my reluctance and resistance, my peers did help me out of that hole and i can now see the other side of my recovery “coin,” specifically what is going in the direction i DESIRE!
what kept popping up[ for me this morning, is the tasks at hand at my current job, prepping myself for the four hour ”audition” i have on Friday, and how to take the great uninformed and unwashed into the promised land of knowledge and a wee bit of wisdom. as those bubbles burst, i kept coming back to the notion, that it is nice not to be the still suffering addict, just for today. i have time to sharpen my coding skills and i answered the newbie as to what i need to troubleshoot her problem. i have made some inquiries and i am willing to do what it takes to help my team mates take care of our dwindling client base, at least until the day i traipse happily off to a new position.
i can say it does not suck to be me today, and maybe, i will get the opportunity to help a friend, peer or family member, arrive at that place as well. so before the day warms up, too much, it is time to get some miles under my belt and be okay with what i can achieve, just for right now. the rest will be as it will be and i will be okay with it,. maybe. i can remember that i do not need to compare my misery to that of my peers, to be okay with my life, i have enough of it on my own and i feel every single drop of it, in my heart and soul.

∞ DT ∞