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has always seemed to be my overarching concern and more than once, my slavish devotion to doing so has caused pain and suffering for far longer than necessary. i do not care how many times i have once again uncovered the fact that the easier softer way, is to reach out for help, by sharing what i am going through and allowing my peers, my sponsor and my friends, to give me their best stuff, i still resist. i might even say my super power is to take all the pain, bottle it up inside, and look “marvelous!” it was not something i figured out overnight and so far it has taken the better part of twenty-one years for me to allow myself the freedom to real.
i could blames society, TV, culture, my family or the accident of my time and place of birth, for having this whole notion of looking good, seemingly ingrained in my DNA. that way i can sigh, say i am powerless over this and build a bit of false self-esteem. one of the Jedi mind tricks i have learned in recovery is that accepting where i am powerless, whether or not it is a valid conclusion, allows me the freedom to abdicate my responsibility. it all boils down to the first clause of the third disturbing realization, “i am NOT responsible for my addiction…” when i let go of trying to makes this go away, and accept that i might not be as powerless as i wish to believe, i can allow the program to alter my behaviors to provide me a manner of better thinking. it is not as if i was trying to “look good” against my will. in the final analysis, i know i am doing it, i know how to stop doing it, but the behavior is so familiar and comfortable, i often find no reason to stop. back to the “one track” pattern, once again.
so now that i have thoroughly trashed myself, i need to add a bit of balance, so i cannot drop into the “false humility” bucket that i so love to put my peers and associates into. it is true, recognizing and admitting i have issues is certainly part of learning to be humble. staying there, however is not. the fact of the matter is, no matter how comfortable and familiar a behavior “feels” i am not some sort of Pavlov's dog and regardless of what B.F. Skinner may posit, i do have a choice or two on how to behave. today, i may not walk around telling every soul i meet the nature of what pains me, but i can certainly allow myself to vulnerable enough to allow my peers to see what it is that pains me and accept their offerings for what they are, an honest attempt to provide me a way out of where i happen to be.
the fact of the matter is today i am accepting of the fact that i have a job that pays me very well and i am esteemed by my team mates and my employers. today i am grateful i have a life beyond my wildest drug-induced dreams and fantasies. today i am also grateful that most who happen to encounter me as i walk through the day, no longer see the desperate junkie looking to get one over on them, but view me as a responsible and productive member of society. today, my struggle is with how to be patient because nothing seems to be moving along quick enough for my taste and i take that frustration out on those around me, acting on another very ingrained, familiar and comfortable behavior: “if i am miserable, i might as well make everyone else miserable.” that is, however, a topic for another day.

∞ DT ∞