Some memes

even though everything else may be wonderful, i can write a gratitude list. i have come to believe that even though this is part of my human nature, namely focusing in on things that are wrong, the part of me i call addiction has taken this to new levels. i note the word obsessed in my lifted text, which immediately zeros me in on my obsessive nature. like a heat seeking missile, my pointy little head goes to what is wrong, and only with effort do i lift myself into the what is going well. i came to recovery as a die-hard cynic, that is a fact. it has only been with time, with step work and with spiritual growth, that the cynic has been gradually changed into something more. the cynic is still there, but he has been morphing into a mystic with a critical eye. yes life is wonderful, and yes there are literally hundreds of things for which i am grateful. i find, however, that the ‘pollyanna’ outlook on life, to be a false front for me. one of those i raise, so no one can detect what is really going on inside of me. sometimes it is necessary to take a critical look at what is going wrong in my life, and see if there is anything within my power to change. if i see that i can do something about it, it is my responsibility to take action, otherwise i let it go. i understand that life happens, i also understand that there are events in my life that i can judge to be ‘bad’. burying my head in the sand will not make them go away, and sometimes the trite statement of " make a gratitude list, " really chaps my hide.
there are times when it feels good to wail and moan about how awful life may be and there may even be a therapeutic result of such catharsis. what i think the reading was getting at and what i often misinterpret, is to dwell in the the twilight of the obsession of what is wrong in my life, is unhealthy. when it becomes a lifestyle, rather than an event, it is time for me to dive in and change my behavior by doing something constructive, such as taking an inventory of what is right in my life and expressing the gratitude i feel for having all of those things.
no i do not need to be a beacon of light, warmth and happiness at all times, nor am i sick if i do not feel warm, happy and full of light every single moment of every single day.
so what am i grateful for today? well i have a life that is worth living, and i am free from the obsession to alter the way i feel. the morning started out with a few events not to my liking, and yet i survived. what may be coming down the road today, is irrelevant to the here and now. i can move in the sunshine of my spirit and get out and hit the road with my dog, it is after all, time for the both of us to burn a bit of nervous energy.

∞ DT ∞