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i often focus on everything that is not going my way and ignore all the beauty in my life.
some mornings, these readings strike me as psycho-babble, new age, pop self-help, guru speak. of course, living the program, appears a whole lot like all of that tripe that permeates the mass culture of sheep that my fellow human travelers are apt to become. how is that for a cynical spin on today's society. like them, i have also been cultured into a life that is far from the spiritual path that my recovery journey has set me upon, and when i start to wander off that rather narrow track, the cynic within emerges, and nothing and no one is good enough, especially me.
Stewart Smalley time!
seriously though, i must be in one of the mode this morning, because i am grateful that i have the desire to stay clean today. the list could go on and on, and the whole half-full, half empty paradigm, could provide me with thousands of words to fill this bit space my blog occupies. it is the cynic withing, who is guiding this brain dump this morning, and that my friends is not necessarily a good thing, but be warned i have no clue where this will end up, with the exception that no matter what i will not use today.
so on that bright and cheery note, i see this whole recovery gig as an exercise in spin. i am told that when things go bad to look for a opportunity for growth. i am told to focus on what is beautiful and sweep the ugly under the carpet. i am told to forgive others for being human. i am told to have FAITH that everything will work out. i am told to look for evidence of a POWER greater than myself working in my life. and when i get down, i am told to look for the things that i can be grateful for. living by the principles of the program that has kept me clean over the past few days, would appear to be a program of seeing less of what is going on, and mindlessly accepting everything as being good for me, regardless of how it feels or appears. i know that is an over simplification of what i am really being taught, and i see how the part of me that i call addiction uses that as a weapon against me. of course bad things happen to good people. of course events will seldom turn out as i desire them to. and of course life is full of turmoil, ugliness, pain and angst. that is the human condition. accepting all of that does not mean i have to turn all of that into some sort of Mary Sunshine bullsh!t. nor does it mean i have to walk around like some sort of fVcking Gloomy Gus, either! the path to acceptance lies somewhere between, and it is up to me to throw off the chains of culture and realize myself as the human being i am. it is up to me, to see adversity as just a bump in the road, whine about the bump, and do my best to avoid hitting it again, accepting that there may be no way for me to go around that particular trap. i am human, and i am a recovering addict, who is learning to be a cynical optimist of sorts, instead of a just another cynic who finds no joy or beauty in his daily condition.
so am i grateful this morning? as a matter of fact i ma. i have the opportunity to write what i feel like writing with no one here to provide me any sort of instant feedback. i have the desire to work out and advance my physical fitness. and most of all i am grateful that i can see the glass that my life is today, whether or not i judge it to be half empty or half full. with a little more HOPE than i started this entry with, i think i will get that work out done and see how i can enjoy the day ahead of me, instead of commiserate about what i do not have. you know what, it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞