Blog entry for:

love for my fellow addicts is a tough one for me, coming from a background where getting even was never enough and never forget or forgive was my credo. after a minute clean and a few trips through the steps, is till stumble in implementing this notion. the good news is, that it is not nearly as bad as it once was, most of the time, i can move and allow others to be who they are, regardless of my personal opinion of how they live their lives. as i sit here on hold, waiting for customer service to help me decide what i want to do with my brother-in-law's website, i get the notion that loving my peers, without condition is the easier, softer way. as much as i understand with that sentiment, intellectually and even spiritually, getting that to move the twelve inches from my head to my heart is the hardest journey of all. this morning, i certainly can “say” that i doing just that, but the reality is that i am far from actually having the desire to do so, as un-spiritual as that may sound.
across the course of my recovery journey, i have let go of all sorts of things, especially the slings and arrows that have been tossed my way, some of them very well-deserved, i may add. what i hold on to today, perhaps a bit too tightly, is the form my peers choose to use when they share in a meeting. as much as i understand it is just my thang, i still want to reach out and strangle them as they share about “us” or “you,” instead of telling me about their own personal experience, strength and hope. even though i am more than certain that any harm they do, when they generalize their experience to everyone in the room, is quite minimal, i still get all sorts of hot an bothered when they apply their brush to me. the worst part is even if i choose to bring it up, as i have done in the past, quietly and privately, they see nothing wrong, after all. i have heard them remark, i am just trying to be inclusive. instead of pounding my head against that wall, i certainly need to let go and be okay with their intransigence.
when all is said and done, i guess it is up to me to allow myself the freedom to love my peers without conditions, even if i feel how they behave is not up to snuff. after all who am i to judge the quality of someone's recovery, based upon how they behave in meetings. if i allow that i am far from perfect and i am worthy of their respect and unconditional love, than i must return that favor, just for today.

∞ DT ∞