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the beauty in my life is certainly a mode i can quickly fall into, even when things are going well. i guess i am just perverse that way, although i grew a philosophy that focused on the less than stellar aspects of my life, so i could be overwhelmed with ecstasy when great things happened. a good description would be that i practiced pessimistic optimism. as weird as that may sound, it seemed to protect me form a whole lot of angst in my using days and throughout a huge part of my recovery journey.
taking a step back and seeing the “other side of the coin” i can certainly see that there is a shit-ton of beauty in my life. it is true that i do not have all the “toys” i may ever desire. i have regrets about wasting twenty-five years of my life, being “wasted.” i am sad that i cannot find a “happy medium” with some of my familial relationships. all of that is true, BUT, and yes it is a huge one, i have twenty-four years and eleven months of just for todays. i can go on a fifteen mile hike and recover enough by the next day to do an 8K workout and a mile and half walk with the dawg. i “got” to serve my fellowship the other night, by carrying the message in to addicts who do not have the opportunity to make meetings and most of all, i am finding some peace of mind as i learn how to remove the obstacles to happiness from my life. what i have seen and where i have been in the past few years, COVID notwithstanding is amazing and beyond what i ever believed i was going to be able to do, even with a decade clean or so.
the most beautiful and amazing part of my life is that i still have my wits about, i have a path towards becoming something more and i no longer need dwell in the house of pain that i can still create for myself. all of that may seem ethereal and at times i have to pinch myself to make sure that i am not in some sort of dream state. today i can and will seek to see the beauty in my life, while acknowledging the ugliness. in my spiritual path, beauty and ugliness define each another and are necessary parts of the whole. today, i am all about the whole and not the bits and pieces that comprise it.

∞ DT ∞