Blog entry for:

for which i am grateful.
right off the bat, this is more than likely not going to be a gratitude list in the strictest sense of the word. more than likely, this blog, will be a rambling of a few things that i am grateful for and some things that i may find that i am surprise to be grateful for today. first off the stack, listening to two addicts close out the meeting last night i was struck by the stark differences in what they shared. one seemed to just need to hear the sound of their voice and went on and on about absolutely nothing, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they are on the edge of the pack, ready to be picked off by addiction, it is probably a good thing that they ascribe to the drug replacement model of mixed recovery because they will need every bit of help they can get, sooner or later. especially they seem to ignore the gifts that are being offered to them. the second? well what i heard was desperation and the desire to stay clean no matter what, even though they were struggling to find any sort of joy in their life. they drank the Kool-Ade and have cut off their using friends and buddies, but have yet to make enough connection sin the fellowship to fill that void. they are certainly trying to move into the middle of the pack and reminds me of how i never was, at least not so anyone could tell.
both of those examples, bring me to a place of gratitude, because i can see the result of wanting to be clean and actually doing whatever it takes to be clean. i am not about to fart any rainbows, and what i said last night still stands, i go to meetings for me, and if anyone else gets something out of my presence, that is a bonus. i am grateful that i no longer have the very strong desire to show how recovered i am, by preaching to the members in attendance, how they should do this and that. do not get me wrong, i still have a few minutes where i WANT to be that guy, but when it comes time to man up and share, well somehow that desire fades to black.
finally, i am grateful the my EIGHTH STEP has been written and i get to move on from the pain of not doing. yes, i am now willing and as i move through this day, closer and closer to meeting with my sponse, i am sure that desire will continue to grow.
it is time however, to move on down the road and get to work. another thing i am very grateful for today. so in the long run, i guess this did turn out to be a gratitude list of sorts, and you know what? i am grateful that it did!

∞ DT ∞