Blog entry for:

so off the beaten track i go! just a warning for those who may be expecting a party line about how grateful i am for all the stuff i have been given. well, i am very grateful and need not expound on what it is i am grateful for nor for how the act of writing the list makes me feel much better regardless of what is happening in my real life. you all know me well enough that you know what i would say.
what i heard this morning, after getting past the overt gratitude theme was how i look at the world today. looking at last year's entry, i saw that i went in a similar direction, so i have to dive a bit deeper into what i am feeling instead. i hate the touchy-feely part of the program, in fact i have finally come around to the place where hugs are acceptable and being hugged as well. yes, it is true i have been hugging since day one, but that was because that is what i was expected to do. lately however, i am feeling a connection that is more than the physical touch with those i chose and who choose to hug me. it is finally becoming a choice and not an obligation, or even better a means to demonstrate anger, resentment or displeasure by withholding hugs in public. do not get me wrong, there are many that i have hugged and wanted to hug since the very beginning, i just was never comfortable touching all those strangers in the very beginning, and even though those strangers have become friends i just do not know, my brothers and sisters in recovery, that aversion has been long in fading away.
this awakening of my spirit is just part of what is going on, since the start of this set of steps. working the steps without a concrete purpose or destination written in stone, has given me all kinds of different directions and things to try out. there have been more than a few false starts and trips down dead-ends and blind alleys, and yet none of that has been wasted time or effort, as each of those forays may not have advanced me towards where i may be going, they certainly have broadened my horizons. what i all of sudden feel a need for is more interconnections with the humans, addicts and family members who surround me. hugging, caring, and hanging out and being available are becoming activities that are important to me. i feel as if i am coming out of a cave after years in hibernation, and that hibernation was not part of active addiction, this is since i came to recovery and started working a program. my spirit is awakening the the possibility that i can accept and foster more human connections, and that my desire to do so, is an inherent part of me, that i have been stuffing down, locking down and ignoring until lately. sort of like some sort of mummies curse, that box has been opened and the desire to be more connected has been released pervading all that i am. it hard to feel grateful for something that flips your world view on it's head, BUT it is also an exciting journey into territory that i have probably never explored, as i probably locked this part of me up long before i ever used.
bringing back into just for today, i am also grateful i have the desire to take care of myself as well. yes, self-destruction has been part of my third step rebellion, that rebellion is being quelled by co-opting the rebel within and allowing him to be part of all that is going on, including deciding to surrender my will and my life into the care of… all of this is so brand new, and yet it feels like i have done it all before. what i think i am feeling is A BRAND NEW awakening of my spirit and i have been here before. so it is off to the streets before it gets too much hotter and then back to slaving over a keyboard, a bit of service, a meeting and yes SOME UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, giving and receiving.
IT IS A GREAT DAY TO BE AWAKENED TO!

∞ DT ∞