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i find myself becoming obsessed with the things that are wrong, even though everything else may be wonderful.
and that is just the nature of the person i am. i find there are just some reactions that are hard-wired into me. those circuits seem to be nearly impossible to change no matter how hard i try. and one of those pathways is my reaction to disappointments in my life. ahhhhh, i hear you say, if you were disappointed, that means you had expectations and everyone knows that expectations are just pre-meditated resentments. or even worse, you were running your life on self-will and when the results turned out differently than you had planned, you got angry at GOD.
and both of those observations would be correct, however the problem actually goes far deeper than that. i want what i want and i want it now. somewhere along the path of my life i picked up the belief that i was entitled to certain things -- a high paying, rewarding job, a beautiful wife, a house with a white picket fence, 2.5 children and a dog, after all is that not the promise my parents made to me when i was just a kid, that i deserved a better life than they had? and that is the crux of the problem. when i am getting the things i feel i need and want, it is quite easy to be grateful and expound on how wonderful life is in recovery. the second anything goes a bit awry, i am bitching and moaning about how awful life is and that this recovery gig just plain sux. it is the whole half empty glass syndrome, and then the words i said to one of my grand sponsees come back to haunt me... " just be grateful there is any water in the glass at all! "
and that sucks, hearing my own words and having to live by them!
so am i grateful today? of course, everything is going extremely well in my life and the reading does not apply -- or does it? i am grateful that i have a program that allows me to see myself in a less distorted mirror. i am grateful that i am healthy and not insane. i am grateful that i am not locked up somewhere. and most of all i am grateful that i can be grateful and express that gratitude in a public forum. the world is the world and current events can fill me with dread if i let them, but today i woke up and decided that just for toady i9 would not use and the ability to make that decision is something that i am really grateful for right now. it really is a simple program after all!

∞ DT ∞