Blog entry for:

myself obsessed with the things that are wrong, rather than being grateful for the opportunity to see those things. yes instead of the half-full or half-empty argument, i need top focus on the fact that i have a glass to fill halfway. my peers often focus on the “positive” aspect of their lives, often to the exclusion of serious issues occurring in their lives. i more often or not chide them, at least in my own head, for being so stubbornly focused on being too focused on the “positive” and looking askance at serious issues that need to be addressed. i see their never-ending “positive” as a foil to my constantly cynical one and as an example that maybe, just maybe, i need to brighten my interpretation on the world around me, just a bit.
living a life in active recovery has not removed critical thinking from my repertoire, in fact, being clear from the fog of active addiction allows me the opportunity to see things with a much more discerning eye. once upon a time, when nothing in the world was good enough for me, i was miserable and spread that misery far and wide. of i went through my rainbows and unicorns phase, but that was a cover for what was really going on inside of me. i never wanted to show on the outside what has happening on the inside so i did my best to portray myself as the “model” of a recovering addict, and i walked around with a false “attitude of gratitude.” because i have been there and done that, i often wonder how many of my “bright and shiny” peers are living in that same self-made hell, afraid to be who they are, because they fear the judgement of others.
of course., there are times, when all i can see is the bad, the evil and the ugly. having just survived another of those bouts of being a nabob of nattering negativity, i feel grateful that i emerged with my recovery and clean time intact. it takes a small trust or faith bomb, to bring me back into the reality of the situation, that no matter what, it is a good day to be clean. sure i have some things to deal with, my re-fi, on-call, a job that looks like a dead-end and a set of steps that is scaring the bejeezus out of me. i also have many days in a row clean, a house that is warm and dry, a bit of money in my bank accounts, someone who loves me enough to live with me and an employer who values my contribution.it is ironic that a shift in perception allows me to see heads, when before all i was seeing was tails. i can be grateful this morning and i do believe i will wlak forward into the cool and drizzly day with a bit more of a “positive” attitude, at least until i start my commute to work.

∞ DT ∞