Blog entry for:

a list of ALL the material and spiritual gifts i have received since deciding to learn how to live clean would probably be the length of a work of literature written by a russian novelist and would probably still be incomplete.
that being said, as i sit here thinking about gratitude, i can see several different tangents to go off on. i do remember that when i got clean i was not grateful for anything. i believed i was owed certain things, whether i worked for them or not. i believed i was owed a well-paying job, with great benefits, short hours and very little actual work. i believed i was owed a wife, a family and a house in the 'burbs with a white picket fence. i believed i was owed the chance to get high every day, regardless of the financial, emotional or physical costs to myself and those who still loved me. and most of all i believed i was entitled to live my life in any manner i chose, without the interference of society, the justice system or my family. since i had none of those things, and since i was not one of those addicts who choose recovery without outside intervention, gratitude was the last feeling i had. i was pissed-off and let everyone know it, in no uncertain terms.
my how times have changed. today just the fact that i can sit in front of a computer in the comfort of my own house and muse at length about an intangible fills me with a sense of gratitude.
so what exactly am i grateful for right this second? mostly the chance to find a new and different way of living. the chance to be a part of someone else's life. the chance to love and be loved. the chance to live my long lost dreams. the chance to accumulate spiritual tools through my own efforts. the chance to find out who i am and accept that with my whole being. the ability to go through my days without leaving a wake of destruction behind me. the opportunity to build a relationship with GOD. and last but not least, the mental, emotional and cognitive changes in me that the program and the steps have facilitated.
i often wonder what would have happened all those days ago if i had slid through the event that forced me into recovery. the mental gymnastics necessary to rewrite my history over the past nine years are difficult but the conclusion i come to right now is that i would probably be that old cliché locked-up or covered-up. the fact that i can even consider what the shape of my life would have been, is truly a miracle. i was given one last chance to be more that i ever was and i am grateful that i took it. so just for today i am glad that i can be working on the process that allows me to become the person i was created to be.
∞ DT ∞