Blog entry for:

automatic rejection of authority seems to be a troubling character defect for me at times. alright, i did make a qualification to my seed text about automatic rejection of authority. that qualification is necessary, because once was an automatic reaction, has become less automatic these days. in fact, sometimes, i can even make the conscious choice to rebel or not. to what do i attribute that -- going to bed early? working hard? eating right?
well perhaps i could attribute that change to all of that, IF i was not living a program of recovery. part of the answer has to be the step work and the growth it has fostered in me. the lion’s share of this change of behavior, i give credit where credit is due, and that is the work of the HIGHER POWER that provides me with what i NEED to stay clean today. the removal of the automatic nature of my reactions is exactly what i have been asking for since i did my very first SEVENTH Step. that process is ongoing, and is contingent on doing what i have done for so very long -- live a program of recovery to the best of my ability.
now that i am done preaching, i guess it is time to get off my soap box and talk about where i am, and what this reading brings up for me in the realm of feelings today. last night i asked for guidance and clarity to complete my ELEVENTH Step and move through to Step TWELVE. although there was no clap of thunder and blinding revelations, this morning i feel like something has started to shift inside. there is this feeling that if i look directly at what it is that is shifting, examine it with my normal zealousness, that it will disappear and i will remain perched where i have am. so my decision today, is to continue to ask for guidance, and leave everything else alone, and boy is this difficult, sort of like after a filling drops out of my tooth and my tongues has to go feel the hole in my tooth every 1½ seconds to see if it has changed even though i know the possibility and the probability is practically nil that it has.
what else is going on? well as i approach the anniversary of my clean date, i am struck by how sane i really am. in years past, this date drove me nuts, and i would act like a maniac for the month and a half leading up to it. it was good thing that world convention often came in that time frame or vacations with the love of my life, as it kept me from going totally off the deep end. what surprises me, is the sense of calm certainty and resolve i feel as the date approaches, and the total lack of masochistic remorse over how far i have not come. this can only be attributed to the same process i spoke of above, the removal of my character defects by the loving POWER that provides the power for me to live a program of recovery. it is with a sense of gratitude that i am beginning to understand what is going on, and am ready to let it go, until it is time for it to be revealed in its full glorious manifestation within me.
on that note, i do believe i will pack it in and hit the streets, after all this desire is also something that i appreciate having and being capable of fulfilling. a year ago it was impossible for me to run, so in respect for what my body has gone through over the past twelve months i will honor it , by doing something good -- just a quick jaunt around the block or so.

∞ DT ∞