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i will inventory myself and think about my true values, BEFORE i act. the real question, than boils down to do i???
there was once a part of me that identified with the whole rebellion gig, in fact most of my adult life, i have been rebelling and railing against one thing or another. being a rebel, i see is just being me, and although the reading seems to suggest otherwise, it is not only a part of me i accept, it is one that i like and am not willing to give up today. i think my confusion here is in semantics and i am not at odds with the step i am formally working today.
is it rebellion to question, probe and look for a deeper meaning, in the suggestions and advice i am given? probably not.
is it rebellion, to throw them out without any consideration at all, because the source feels like they are telling me what to do? that seems like a big 10-4 buddy.
is it rebellion, to follow my heart and live in a manner that does not conform to what those in the “normal” world consider to be THE path? maybe.
is it rebellion to say fVCK the fellowship and all it stands for, i am going to do what i want to, and you cannot stop me! of course.
all of those questions and more, roll around my head from time to time, and i see that non-conformity, inquiry and lifestyle choice are expressions of my individuality and rebellion is taking my individual nature, coupling it my propensity to be stubborn, intense and single-minded, and morphing that independence into something, even i, barely recognize. with a just a few paragraphs, i have shaved away the dross, from the reading and seem to be getting to the heart of the matter and the corrective action part. here is where i can see an quick inventory being called for, consisting of just a question or two. am i acting out of individuality, or am i acting out of plain stubbornness and just to be contrary. contrariness is not anything but rebellion.
anyhow, i have a bunch of stuff to get done today, and as i am at this early,. i think i will sign-off with this thought. whether or not i act rebellious or not, is a choice i can make today. it is a choice, because i have decided to rebel against my true nature and not use for a few days in a row. that rebellion has its phases, it flares up into full-scale war from time to time, but for the most part it is an uneasy but quiet truce, between the addict within and the person i am becoming. i do have a method for keeping that status going and it is called the 12 STEPS and an active program of recovery, so just for today, i think i will do my best to live it once more.

∞ DT ∞