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continues to transform me. once upon a time , not that long ago, when i thought about the statement: my gratitude speaks, when i care and when i share..., my heart was not really into it. sure, i could spout off ad nauseam about how grateful i was for all that i had been given, since adopting a manner of living suggested by the fellowship that is my home, but deep down, i believed that i not only deserved what i have, but i was entitled to it. dealing with an addict in active addiction and the consequences of my involvement with them, has brought me to a place where i see that sense of being “owed” was a fatal for me and certainly blocked me for many years from unveiling and exploding the lie that i based my life upon. as long as i thought i was “different” and more worthy than others, because of my self-oppression, the easier it was to live under the weight of stories i created to make myself feel better. so when notion of being transformed by gratitude came up this morning, i found out that i might have something to say.
this morning, as i sit here in the comfort of my home, disappointed in myself for allowing myself to get involved with someone who is clueless about the real world, i can feel grateful that i am not them. i have a routine that does not require “maintenance” using, because i apply “maintenance” recovery to my daily life. as i stated last night in a meeting, i do not have this addiction thing “licked” and never will, and the fact that others may feel they can do “just one,” has no bearing on whether or not i believe that is the case for myself. it is sad that someone, who knows where to go and what to do, is so afraid of the boogeyman, flees from the very folks and tools that could help them achieve their goals. i know that irrational fear quite intimately, as i lived it when i got clean.. i was certain that there were spies for my probation office lurking around every corner and especially in the meetings i attended, waiting to bust me for doing something. looking back from where i sit now, i wonder how the fVck i ever thought i was so important that the justice system would waste resources on seeking my slip, when i would betray myself, all on its own with no intervention from the world that was out to get me.
when i shared last evening that i was grateful that i “got” to be at that meeting, instead of watching the Lions squeak past the Chiefs, i was not exaggerating or parroting some line from our literature, i felt it. honestly, i would have rather been sitting at home watching football, but once i got there and allowed myself the freedom to be there and to be present for what was happening there, i was truly grateful for that opportunity. today, as i see what i have and what i have not, i can express a deep felt gratitude. i do not have the desire to use, nor do i have the desire to be something i once was, or am not now. i do not have the belief that the deck is stacked against me and i do have the FAITH that i can stay clean today using the power i have been given by the POWER that fuels my recovery. sure it would be nice to have more, but just for today, i am grateful that i have more than enough.

∞ DT ∞