Blog entry for:

i seem to be by nature a rebellious person. i chafe against the yoke of authority and do everything in my power to resist. has this ever led to greater insight or growth?
NOT HARDLY
what it usually leads to is periods of intense pain and suffering. does evaluating this experience make me any less rebellious? no it actually seems to make it worse, building hidden resentments and creating subtle reservations in my program. after all if it is supposed to be good for me it should be easy and soft. the reading this morning barely scraped this top off this issue for me. it has been a recurring theme in both my meditation and my inventories for the past 10 days. if this program was so wonderful, why do i have to go through periods of darkness and pain. after all when i used i never perceived no pain and very little suffering, shouldn't recovery give me the same benefits?
and there it is, i have an expectation of what i SHOULD be getting and a lack of appreciation of what i am actually getting. what exactly have i got??

1. Peace of Mind
2. Less Chaos
3. loving and caring friends and partners
4. a Higher Power that loves and cares for me
5. and finally a profound awakening of the spirit

but this does not seem to be enough some days. and this realization tells me that i still suffer from the disease of needing MORE.
well today i will try and walk in the sunlight of the spirit, inventory my feelings and behaviors and do my best to be less resistant and rebellious.
-- DT --