Blog entry for:

the turmoil of rebelliousness is certainly a great goal to strive for and one that i am worth achieving but does that mean i have to become some sort of **sheeple** automaton, marching to the same beat as all my peers? where does free-will and the consideration of alternatives come in? to say that i am still suffering from a lingering authority complex, would be an understatement. my reaction is almost always, “WTF, don't you know who i am?” if the direction is coming from my sponsor, my reaction is tempered with an internal decisions to “think about it.” if the direction is coming from my boss, i quietly assent and then silently sulk, looking for ways to follow that direction literally and prove that direction is just plain wrong. if that direction is coming from my partner in life, i am certainly more open-minded about it and i actually look at what it is that needs to be considered. the rub comes when my peers in recovery start telling me what to do, or quoting chapter and verse out of the literature, scraped of any context and preface it it with “if i were you.” there certainly is a bit more work for me to do, in this department. 😁
the one overarching theme in my life today, is that i have choices. once i CHOOSE to stay clean just for today, my life is open to all sorts of other choices. i do not fret and worry about relapse even though that option is always one i can choose. i am quite content with the life i have been given by this program of recovery. i have the option to CHOOSE to blow it up at any time and on most days, that option is unpalatable to me. the odd part of this whole notion of rebelliousness, at least for me, is that it is most often triggered by what my peers share in a meeting. the way some of them throw the pronouns of “-;we” and “you” around, really gets me going, especially when they have been “around” the program for years, but are coming back to the rooms once again. the first thought that pops into my head is who the f*ck do they think they are, including me in the narrow little world view of “in and out” or giving me advice based on what they do not seem to be able to accomplish, staying clean. do not get me wrong, i feel that the newest of the new, have lots to offer me, especially when they share about the chaos and turmoil that are the state of their current lives. when i hear how that has brought them to their knees and given them enough desperation to try something different, i get inspired and remember that once upon a time, actually many “once upon a times” i, too, was in that same state of seeking a solution for the intractable problems that were my life. there i find HOPE and reaffirm my FAITH in a program that forces me to think, if i choose to do so, or spend my life under the yoke of “you shoulds.”
right here and right now, it is time to get out and about and see if i can live up to my standards today. i want to accept that direction, no matter the source, needs to be looked at with a critical eye and an open mind. if i can honestly say that maybe i am shooting the messenger and ignoring the message, than maybe i need to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to speak and shut down the internal voice that screams “YES, BUT, I AM DIFFERENT!”

∞ DT ∞