Blog entry for:

to chronic rebelliousness, doomed to react to every little setback, criticism or unmet expectation that comes roaring down the pike? i certainly hope not, i would prefer to be self-confident and self-assured enough, that i can look to what is happening inside of me, before i trip into a state of rebellion. work has been an especially rebellious part of my life these days. part of it, and perhaps all of it, comes down to me not enjoying what this job has become. i want to do more and be more than just someone who “fixes” the issues that others create for themselves and i do not foresee that happening. of course there is a sense of gratitude that i have a job, that pays me well enough to support my lifestyle, but that hardly fills the need i have to create something. where i end up, is put out , butt-hurt and always more than a bit angry. i chafe at being asked to do anything and let them all know how unhappy i am. of course with a clean date anniversary in the offing, i beat myself up about not being “better” than that by now. which of course, feeds that self-image that i am not good enough and i am settling for something when i could have so much more.
this also seems to play into a theme i have been dealing with, namely how i “make” others feel when i am sharing space with them. for me, i refuse to give up my power to choose when and where i attend an event, scheduled or otherwise. i also refuse to abase myself and pander to the ego of anyone else. as a result, i end up in a situation or two, where i am not meeting the expectations of someone else. as much as i would have loved to categorize the litany of “evils” i see in someone else, i have grown just enough, to keep my opinions to myself. when asked, i now provide vague and i am sure highly unsatisfactory reasons for what i feel. the alternative, at least for me, turns into character assassination, and i am “well” these days to avoid that sort of behavior. it costs me nothing, to be vague and it allows others to see what they see and form their own opinions. it is a good thing, that i am losing my desire to spread my opinionated impressions of others around. that sort of “high school” behavior, is one i am finally growing out of, now if only…
i do however, have work to do, problems to fix and tools to deploy. it is a great day to be clean and if all goes well, a great day to take the afternoon off and repopulate my home office with all of my “treasures.”

∞ DT ∞