Blog entry for:

in my reactions to life, certainly leads to a greater understanding of who i am, and more importantly the route by which i can take responsibility for the unpleasant situations i that seemingly feel trapped within. the letter i received the other day, set off a cascade of feelings and possible ways to respond. my reaction, in real-time, was to blast out a missive on the credo of responsibility for living life and owning what the ultimate consequences happen to be, instead of whining about being a victim and being once again, “innocent.” what i have do instead is to pause for a couple of days, and allow my feelings to catch up with my gut reaction. my response may be forthcoming today, but it has yet to take form in my head or my heart, so just for right now, the pause continues.
as i approach yet another anniversary of my clean date, i get caught up in a fit of abusive introspection, BUT this year i a bit different and while i am crazy nutz, i am not out of my mind insane. yeah, i know, the difference seems trivial and perhaps it is. to me, however the difference feels like a tectonic shift. the abusive part is a bit softer and countered quite easily, by the evidence of this process working in my life. where there was once nothing but white hot rage at where i was in my recovery, there is a realistic look at how far i have come. i am not the spiritual giant i would like to portray, but i am also not the whining crybaby victim i came into the rooms as, either. as i walk through this weekend, with very little planned and even less to accomplish, i can be certain of one thing: it is a good day to be clean and to have an active program of recovery.
yeah, i can be a rebel without a clue and an over-reactive piece of dung, but these days, more time than not, i am a realist who gets to see his part in living, once the heat starts to fade. a pause button, at least for me, has prevented much damage and it is something i am grateful for, each and every day.

∞ DT ∞