๐ the turmoil ๐
Posted: Thu, Sep 8, 2022 07:10:01 AM
of rebelliousness, is not the force of nature it used to be in my life. one of the benefits of doing this active recovery gig, day after day, is that, at least for me, things settle down as i become less volatile and reactive. that does not mean i am some sort of patsy that rolls over at the slightest provocation, letting others walk all over me. part of learning to live in active recovery is being properly assertive, stating clearly what i need and responding to request by authority, appropriately. i do not have to fret and fume over the injustice of it all and wonder why it is always me that faces the consequences. instead i just own that i have responsibilities and like every other single human being, i have to live in the real world and own that i lack the material resources to insulate myself from the slings and arrows life throws at me.
as i sat this morning, i did trip down memory lane and saw that for most of my life, even before i got high that very first time, i was certainly a rebel without a clue. nothing was ever good enough for me. i could not have what i wanted and if i could not, i wanted to make sure no one else around me could not as well. my feigned indignation at what i saw was part of the wounded rebel act i perfected across the course of my addiction, so it is little wonder that getting away with something was my only goal in life, when i walked into the rooms of recovery.
as i have learned to accept and love myself, my need to have things my way and my rebellion when told what to do, or when things do not go that way, has subsided to a very dull roar. i still do not like being told, what to do and i still want things to my way, BUT i can accept that is not generally the way of the world. even Elon Musk cannot always get what he wants, when he wants it. 🤣 🤣 🤣
this morning, as i wrap this up and get ready to trot around the neighborhood, i know that rebellion is more than likely a waste of my time, energy and headspace. i also need to remember it is okay to stand up for myself, to authority as well as to my “inner boss of me.” the balance i seek in life today, does not preclude rebelling when necessary, but it also means i do not have spend my life railing against every single slight, rudeness or perceived injustice that comes down the pike. balance in all things i what i am hoping to achieve, so it is time to balance my sedentary lifestyle with a bit of exercise.
as i sat this morning, i did trip down memory lane and saw that for most of my life, even before i got high that very first time, i was certainly a rebel without a clue. nothing was ever good enough for me. i could not have what i wanted and if i could not, i wanted to make sure no one else around me could not as well. my feigned indignation at what i saw was part of the wounded rebel act i perfected across the course of my addiction, so it is little wonder that getting away with something was my only goal in life, when i walked into the rooms of recovery.
as i have learned to accept and love myself, my need to have things my way and my rebellion when told what to do, or when things do not go that way, has subsided to a very dull roar. i still do not like being told, what to do and i still want things to my way, BUT i can accept that is not generally the way of the world. even Elon Musk cannot always get what he wants, when he wants it. 🤣 🤣 🤣
this morning, as i wrap this up and get ready to trot around the neighborhood, i know that rebellion is more than likely a waste of my time, energy and headspace. i also need to remember it is okay to stand up for myself, to authority as well as to my “inner boss of me.” the balance i seek in life today, does not preclude rebelling when necessary, but it also means i do not have spend my life railing against every single slight, rudeness or perceived injustice that comes down the pike. balance in all things i what i am hoping to achieve, so it is time to balance my sedentary lifestyle with a bit of exercise.
∞ DT ∞