Blog entry for:

my initial response to any type of direction is often negative.
well perhaps negative is a bit mild for my initial reaction but it will do for today, i do use strong language on this little ditty from time to time, but to describe my general reaction to authority would take language far stronger than i am willing to type this morning. suffice it to say that i do not take direction from perceived authority figures very well. and some days that even includes my sponsor. last night and today that is not the case, what my sponsor suggested last night was far less than i was willing to do to get out of the twisty turny space i have been in for the past couple of days. although many of the things we talked about and his observations were contrary to how i see myself and where i feel i am in the scheme of things, they are probably true and this morning i can see where and what is happening a bit clearer today.
no today i do not class my sponsor in that authority figure role, however that does not mean that the rebellion i feel and act on is any less present for other members of that class, including some of the people that are paying my wages and of course i can always say that i am currently writing a fourth step and as a result i am revealing my defects of character to the entire world. i love excusing my behavior by pretending to be some sort of victim. in fact, the rebellion i feel is rooted in unmet expectations and unfulfilled entitlements that i have developed over the course of living. ain’t that a gas, dudes!
o what sort of action should i be taking today??????
well continuing the process of step writing.
letting go of a resentment or three by practicing a bit of forgiveness
and maybe, just maybe a quick inventory about where i am really, using the insight i gained from my little chat with my sponsor last night.
or do nothing and see what happens and that may be the most fun. after all there is still a part of me that likes a little chaos ;-)!

∞ DT ∞