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i just need to look at whether or not it is a passing incident, or part of a larger more persistent pattern. rebellion is and has been a major player in my life for what seems like forever. nothing was ever good enough, nor were things progressing fast enough to satisfy me. since i was determined to spin the world my way. and since persistence never seemed to work, loud and abusive rebellion seemed the only way to change what was not acceptable to me. more than anything else, i rebelled against anyone who told me what i SHOULD do. in fact, like a classic Pavlov dog, i would often do exactly the opposite of what was suggested just to show them, and of course than the blame for the consequences could be easily shifted upon their shoulders, after all, if they had said nothing, i would not have acted in such a manner and there would have been no consequences.
a slick trick, i know, and one that carried into recovery for me. when i could not find a connection to a Higher Power, instead of letting go and allowing myself some space to explore the possibilities, i took the one my sponsor suggested, even though i knew it was the opposite of what i really was coming to believe. my early recovery is littered with that sort of rebellious flaming car wrecks, each one to prove a point to everyone but myself. how i survived through that phase amazes me, but i did and i am grateful for having this opportunity to look back on that part of my life now. yes i still play the rebellion game. when someone who i respect provides me with a solution, i just ignore it until i cannot ignore it anymore. instead of doing the opposite like a petulant teenager, i try to pretend it does not exist. that works for a while. eventually i see how insane the notion of that rebellion truly is, and actually examine the solution to see if it might possible be what i am looking for. sometimes it is, and sometimes it is not, but that is the nature of life in recovery, there is no one size that fits everyone.
my rebellious side is quieter these days, and it plays a very minor role in my day to day living, however it is one of the most familiar shortcomings i can use when certain character defects are activated. so in my daily inventory, it is one of the symptoms i look for when perusing my spiritual fitness. as rebellion is a sign of something deeper going on within, and that something is what i need to find, with the help of a HIGHER POWER, through my trusted and respected network of support. rebellion can and often is that ‘burning bush’ experience for me, that something needs to be looked at and dealt with right now.
anyhow, i am up early this morning to get some stuff accomplished before noon, so a couple of things to look at before i sign off. i got a call from the bizarro world last night, inquiring into the state of our lives given our proximity to a major fire here. the weird part of it is that they know where we live and that we are not really that close to any sort of real effects other than some smoke and ash. as i sat quietly last night, i came to the conclusion that there was more there than was presented, but i never gave them the opening to go into what they really were calling about. be that as it may, i am certain i would have had my rebellion kicked up and gone to a place where i did not want to go. a HIGHER POWER protected me from burning down the last vestiges of that relationship, and this morning i am grateful for that bit of restraint. things do move in circles beyond my ken, sometimes and being obtuse last night was a gift that i can say thank you for this morning.
time to take the dawg out for his major workout, before the smoke and ash descend upon us again, it is a great day to be a part of my recovery and not an obstacle to be avoided at all costs.

∞ DT ∞