Blog entry for:

the only thing i have lost since i started coming around, is my slavery to drugs. well i heard from a friend this morning, that i had not heard from. well that is a bit of an overstatement, someone logged into his facebook account and accepted my friend request, for lack of further evidence i will take that as notification that he is still kicking it around on this mortal coil, anything else, it would be mere speculation and that is a door i choose not to open this morning.
that is a gift of recovery, i can choose where i go in this pointy head of mine, and what i allow to take me out of the life i have come to cherish. that last statement, of course can be read more than one way, and just seems to drip of something. i must be in a mood of sorts this morning, not that i feel put out or out there, but as i sit here and pound this mind dump out, i am struck with all kinds of tangential thoughts. each time i write something it opens a different path for me to travel down.
but as i was saying before i went down having to justify myself, i can choose which doors to open today, thanks to the release from the most obvious symptom of my addiction, my uncontrollable use of drugs. i can choose to project outcomes, to wallow in maudlin remorse for those misspent years and lost opportunities, or i can choose to accept today as the gift it6 is, another chance to get things right at least in the here and now. i really did believe that when i finally surrendered to recovery i would be stripped of the little spontaneity i had left, and fade into some sort of gray man, without an identity or any purpose in life. i know now, that was my addiction keeping me from taking an active part in my recovery. in fact, that part of me was almost successful. if it had not been for my attendance at an annual fellowship event, i would not be writing this today. i do not often speak of what was going on my head those first 13 months of my being ‘around&rsqou; the fellowship that has given me this brand new manner of living. mostly, because, it has only been recently come into sharper focus for me. i can plainly see, that being a cross-fellowshipper and hiding somewhere i did not really belong, was my attempt to fulfill my original plan. hang out abstinent until i worked off my number and the 20th judicial district was out of my life, then go back to the life i was previously ensconced in. well things did not go according to that plan, and as a result, i have the desire to be more than i ever was. part of that is the desire to get out and run around the hood before the weather decides to really close in. so i will leave you with this though, the fellowship has turned me from that gray man into a real flesh and blood person, who knows what and who he is, an addict recovering from addiction, just for today.

∞ DT ∞