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i am not the neurotic, boring person that i thought i might become without drugs. well actually there was no might in that way back when. i was certain that i WOULD become everything that i loathed and more and that it was drugs and the associated lifestyle that made me who i was. honestly, that was not that far off the mark, my problem was that i could not see beyond that. after all, reality was for people who could not handle drugs. with such a mantra, the amazing thing is that i survived to sit here four thousand plus days later to write about my experience, my strength , my hope, my addiction and yes even those aspects of my life that could be called negative.
the thing i am feeling this morning, other than an overwhelming desire to do absolutely nothing, is grateful for those who love and care for me. i am trying to process the demonstration of that love, two very rich and heavy meals over the past two days, and even though my system is proceeding with caution, spiritually i am so touched by those demonstrations that i am without adequate words to write about it. i am part of the lives around me, and the best part is that i GET to be myself as i do so. the days of pretending and putting on whatever face i needed to put on, to get whatever it was i thought i needed are quickly moving behind me. the only reason that this is possible, is because i am doing this gig, i am doing my best to live in active recovery, i am looking to those who have walked this path before and choosing to do or not do as they did, based on how i see their lives going and as i do so, i see who i want to emulate and who i want to be as different from as humanly possible. each time i make that particular decision. i look at it through the filter as to whether this decision will limit or expand my horizons. today i want a limitless horizon, not just the illusion of one. today i want all the gifts that i can gather from a life and lifestyle that is free from active addiction. yes i know i just changed up what i started about. drug use and that lifestyle was not my problem, if that was the case i could have stopped this whole gig 12 years ago. no drugs and the lifestyle they engendered were symptoms of as deeper and more pernicious problem, active addiction!
today i know of only one course of action that will keep me from active addiction and will allow me to become more the person i have always wanted to be, namely a lifestyle of active recovery. i may have 30 years left of my life, or i may have 30 minutes, i am clueless as to when that event will happen. what i want is to be the best person i can possible be, in there here and now, until that event comes to pass. i want to live my life without accumulating more regrets and feel that i waste of mass that dragged upon Earth and the lives of those who i have touched.
okay, i have gone down a morbid and somewhat morose path. with that in mind and as i am expecting a sponsee to arrive at my doorstep in the next 90 minutes or so, i NEED to get out and start a new workout cycle, and i am certain the effects to two very protein-heavy dinners will be relieved, and of course i will feel better and more motivated to get something done, just for today.

∞ DT ∞