โฏ destined to โฏ
Posted: Mon, Sep 12, 2016 07:32:12 AM
lead a humdrum existence. once upon a time, way back in the dark reaches of my recovery journey, there was a very resistant addict, who was forced to bet his life on a freak show that he could not understand, much less accept as a path of living for nineteen years or more. he was certain that around eighteen months of abstinence, he would free himself from the legal yoke that the had foisted upon him and return to the comfort of living life high on a daily basis and no one would be telling him what the fVck to do. yeah that addict, was me, and as i am growing fond of saying: what once was, is not.
when i first read this reading, i was quite certain that it applied only in the sense that if i did remain abstinent beyond my original plan, i would be doomed to a life that i could not stand. back then though, i believed a whole lot of stuff and this morning i am grateful that i did not succumb to that set of flawed ideas and return to the “life.” i have heard this theme expressed in the shares of my peers over the past few days. it gives them a sense of HOPE that addicts like me, can get clean stay clean and keep showing up after years in recovery. i may not share at every meeting, and i certainly do not flock to and fawn over every single newcomer, that stumbles in the doors, none of those actions go to who i am and what i feel is the manner in which i “carry the message.” i very rarely will say everything in my life since getting clean is wonderful, because quite honestly life does suck from time to time. i also am apt to say, that for me, recovery is more than just simple abstinence. if this was just about staying clean, i could have taken off a very long, long time ago. for me, the promise of the program came true over a decade ago, and yet i still do what i did, when i was fronting the whole “recovering addict,” gig. i still do what i did, after i finally became a member, as that was the same activities that got me to the jumping off point.
“yeah, yeah yeah, get off the fVcking bandwagon and tell us about how exciting, thrilling and full your life is today,” i hear you screaming, “we already know that you do all of that stuff, as you tell us all the freaking time!”
so i am not the “Most Interesting Man in the World,” nor do i walk around with a cloud over my head. in fact, if one did not know me, one might mistake me as a member of the other 85% of humanity that are not addicted. i pay my bills, go to work, hang with my friends, go on vacations, play video games, watch way too much TV, read and do a very little bit of side work. i have friends and family who want me in their lives, and i have learned to allow them into mine. i am in a long-term loving relationship and am learning that like the rest of humanity, my capacity to love and care for others is not a finite value. i am starting to see, that even though i cannot understand the spiritual paths of my peers and acquaintances, i really do not need to, after all they are part of the whole. i am starting to see that there are consequences for abandoning what works for something that feels good, whether that is a relationship, money or prestige. the fact that i show up on a regular basis provides me the the support i NEED when times get tough. i do not need to take on a “project,” nor do i need to put on airs or walk around better than my peers, they have taught me that is a losing proposition. in fact, i got busted doing my annual gratitude at the meeting last night, and i was embarrassed. that is just who i have become.
today? well today is a new day, and like the rest of my fellows, i need to shower off, shave and suit up to face the world. it is a very good day to live in what appears to be a “normal” life that is far from humdrum or boring, unless that is what i want just for right now.
when i first read this reading, i was quite certain that it applied only in the sense that if i did remain abstinent beyond my original plan, i would be doomed to a life that i could not stand. back then though, i believed a whole lot of stuff and this morning i am grateful that i did not succumb to that set of flawed ideas and return to the “life.” i have heard this theme expressed in the shares of my peers over the past few days. it gives them a sense of HOPE that addicts like me, can get clean stay clean and keep showing up after years in recovery. i may not share at every meeting, and i certainly do not flock to and fawn over every single newcomer, that stumbles in the doors, none of those actions go to who i am and what i feel is the manner in which i “carry the message.” i very rarely will say everything in my life since getting clean is wonderful, because quite honestly life does suck from time to time. i also am apt to say, that for me, recovery is more than just simple abstinence. if this was just about staying clean, i could have taken off a very long, long time ago. for me, the promise of the program came true over a decade ago, and yet i still do what i did, when i was fronting the whole “recovering addict,” gig. i still do what i did, after i finally became a member, as that was the same activities that got me to the jumping off point.
“yeah, yeah yeah, get off the fVcking bandwagon and tell us about how exciting, thrilling and full your life is today,” i hear you screaming, “we already know that you do all of that stuff, as you tell us all the freaking time!”
so i am not the “Most Interesting Man in the World,” nor do i walk around with a cloud over my head. in fact, if one did not know me, one might mistake me as a member of the other 85% of humanity that are not addicted. i pay my bills, go to work, hang with my friends, go on vacations, play video games, watch way too much TV, read and do a very little bit of side work. i have friends and family who want me in their lives, and i have learned to allow them into mine. i am in a long-term loving relationship and am learning that like the rest of humanity, my capacity to love and care for others is not a finite value. i am starting to see, that even though i cannot understand the spiritual paths of my peers and acquaintances, i really do not need to, after all they are part of the whole. i am starting to see that there are consequences for abandoning what works for something that feels good, whether that is a relationship, money or prestige. the fact that i show up on a regular basis provides me the the support i NEED when times get tough. i do not need to take on a “project,” nor do i need to put on airs or walk around better than my peers, they have taught me that is a losing proposition. in fact, i got busted doing my annual gratitude at the meeting last night, and i was embarrassed. that is just who i have become.
today? well today is a new day, and like the rest of my fellows, i need to shower off, shave and suit up to face the world. it is a very good day to live in what appears to be a “normal” life that is far from humdrum or boring, unless that is what i want just for right now.
∞ DT ∞