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equipped with this belief, i venture forth into the world to discover new horizons. as i sit here this morning, with not enough sleep and looking like a major coffee morning, i wonder what it is about love, especially loving myself that is such a foreign concept to me. i know that when i slithered into the rooms, there was not a whole lot to love, in fact, the person i was, is not someone i would like to spend any extended period of time with, for any reason. yet, the members who were here, told me to keep coming back and come back clean, which finally did happen after seven months of using when i could get away with it and lying about my clean date.
all that is water under the bridge and yet at times, i feel like that man, slimy, unworthy of being loved or trusted and ready to snatch what i can and bolt. i have often heard it said in the rooms, that addiction wants me dead, but will settle for getting me loaded. attributing such ideas to a part of me, smacks too much like mufti-personality disorder, and Sibyl i certainly am not. i do get what they are trying to say, but regardless of that, i can and do use, my past against me, especially when i am struggling with life issues. i know there are only two ways to stop that sadomasochistic behavior, both require a surrender of sorts but the consequences of that binary decision are completely different, i can surrender to my addiction and use, altering the way i feel, letting the world spin as it will for those few brief moments of chemical bliss and kick start my life as a using addict once again. or i can surrender to the feeling, let it work it&s9;s magic and come out on the other side a bit stronger and a bit more steady for the experience. which of course, i know will happen if i allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to do IT's work. of course, there is always the default choice, which is to do nothing and just stew in my misery, so i guess what i though was a binary decision was actually a three-way choice, as not doing anything is making a decision as well.
so where was i going with all of this? well not believing that i am worthy of being loved, is a theme i hear often in the rooms. as a result, i have also heard the solution, over and over and over again, do what we did and stick around until the miracle happens. the miracle in this instance is that through the recovery process, i not only become worthy, i believe that i am worth something, especially loving and respecting myself. for someone like me, that was a gift beyond any sort of value. i am glad, that i have an infinite capacity to accept gifts these days, because the gifts of working an active program of recovery, keep on coming. which by the way, means i have to wrap this up, hop in the shower and head on down to Broomfield, as i am expected to put some time in there down as well, today. it is a great day to be clean and one that i can be more than i was yesterday, although i was pretty darn good yesterday as well.

∞ DT ∞