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well in reality i have lost a whole bunch more, but none of that other stuff is anything i really cherished or actually ever needed. stuff like self-absorbed self-interest, that colored my whole existence. stuff like the acceptance that there was no other way for a person like me. stuff like not feeling worthless and yes even hopeless. stuff like never believing i could be anything more than a using addict, even though i did not think i was an addict when i came to recovery. stuff like a legal problem and my fear of being discovered by my family and employers. and yet, there are days when i wonder if it was worth it?
recovery is hard work. there i have said it. it is true, i could coast for a while, i probably have built up enough grace to get through some days without doing a lick of work of active recovery. all that would happen, in the long run, is a return to the life i was living before the events and actions of that life brought me to the doors of the rooms of the fellowship and deposited my a$$ into the THE chair that was waiting here for me to arrive. on days like today., where every plan i had, seems to be foiled for one reason or another. it is difficult for me to feel grateful, for what has been removed and focus more on what has not been given to me, like a window of dry weather so i need not run in the rain. like another full-time gig, even though i am doing the footwork. like a million dollars from a lightning strike of winning POWERBALL.
now that i have written that, i can see how silly it all is, as my sponsor so gently reminded me a week ago, i have not missed a meal since coming to recovery, so what is going on? FEAR of course. FEAR of change and FEAR that all that i have is about to be snatched away in some capricious manner by forces outside of my control, so i have to jump in there and fix it all RIGHT NOW! resistance to change is the core of all of this, and the exercise my sponse has me doing, is hopefully breaking that resistance down and providing me the means to allow change to be a part of my life.
as i was falling asleep last night, after finishing my TENTH STEP, i realized that the past two times i shared, as part of my anniversary celebration that seems to be going on forever, that i have been focused on the dark side and there was not a lot of hope explicitly shared. sure sharing about what i was like when i got here and celebrating a decade and a half of clean time, is showing that the program works for me, but…
as a result, when asked to share this evening, hopefully i can focus more on what is, and less on what was. the tough part is that i am doing my best to abide by the five minute constraint, and am finding that difficult to do. i never realized how complex things have gotten in this journey and how much it takes to explain that the man they see, is not the man who walked into the rooms. not physically, not emotionally and certainly not spiritually. and yet, i feel the NEED to let them know, and express how grateful i am for all that i have given away in recovery and more importantly all that has been given to me, stuff like the ability to command a good salary at a career that i like doing, and even keep the lights on, when i do not have a full-time gig. it is still so easy for me to get wrapped up in what is not going the way i desire, and forget that i am being taken care of. it is easy for me to forget that the core of my FAITH is that it IS the will of a HIGHER POWER that i stay clean today and to align myself with that will, all i need to do, is the next right thing.
so i will,accept that unless i want to get wet, i will not get a run in today, jump in the shower and do the next right thing, which is to finish the project on my desk and move on. life is much better than it ever was and i am grateful that i have been given a second chance, after all, if it was not, i would not have been here for five thousand four hundred and eighty just for todays. it is a good day to recover.

∞ DT ∞