Blog entry for:

that i thought would be without drugs.
one more day away from the so-called life, and one more day of wondering what if i had decided to use, once my legal obligation had been met and i was once again a citizen. that is where the real fork in my life took pl;ace. yes it is true, i was back in school, working towards my degree before that day came, however i wonder if my pursuit of a degree would have gone by the wayside or been severely slowed down, and i would have been still stuck in a chain of dead-end jobs.
certainly food for thought, as i walk through these days, learning how to be social, as well as socially acceptable, i do go through the various scenarios that may have played out, had i allowed my will to take over all those days ago. you see, people like me, those who live in denial of what they are, regardless of how much damage is in their lives, usually do not stay clean. even by the time i got out from under the thumb of the justice system, i was still struggling with the notion that i was an addict, and that i could not use again, ever, just for today. no, like my friends and peers, who are out of recovery and living a life of using actively, i can see what my destiny would be, and it certainly would not be called “blessed.”
no i was certain, that drugs were not the problem, and i was correct, it was not my uncontrolled use of drugs that made me who i was, robbed me of the ambition to be something more and convinced me that it was okay to settle for that sort of life, scraping the bottom of society, living as an outcast, surfing from one couch to another, unable to hold a job, get clean or even properly use. drugs were not the problem EVER, although i was led to believe that they were, before i came to this fellowship. the problem was far more serious, insidious and pernicious. the problem was addiction, in my case that meant that i was owned by dope, but focusing my discussion there, negates the power of the program. it was my issues of living that allowed me to be owned by dope, not the dope causing the problems i had with living in the here and now.
just as the biggest drama queens always b!tch about how much they hate drama in their lives, so it was with me. drugs were the problem, not something inherent within me. it took time, step work, and hanging around the rooms of recovery before i could accept that if i wanted less drama in my life,m than i had to seek a manner of living that was less dramatic. as i move forward today, i can see that if i wanted to, i could learn how to live a life that included using again, and maybe i could do so successfully. although the evidence i have witnessed seems to go against that notion, the addict that is within me, can certainly convince me that i am different from those guys, i have more clean time, worked a better program and have gone up the social and financial ladder much higher, than they ever dreamed of, so i have a bit more wiggle room. what i end up seeing however, once i stop looking through the eyes of the addict who is me, is that i just have that much farther to fall, and the end result will be absolutely the same, getting by while i get high. today i am better than just getting by. today i am ready tom thrive, and start to shop for my next car, as now i know how much i have to put down on the next don mobile. today, well today i am grateful that when the sword was lifted, i decided to live a life where that sword judicial retribution, was not really a threat or even a factor in my life. that life and life style has created a person who may understand what it is like to use and be owned by dope, but a person who choose, just for today to be more than the boring neurotic and asocial mess that walked into the rooms.

∞ DT ∞