Blog entry for:

openness, and my spiritual life. an funny thing has happened to me when i share about spirituality, either one-on-one with one of my peers, or in a meeting. all of a sudden i am using GOD a whole lot more instead of the POWER that fuels my recovery. this is new development and one that surprises me after all this time. i can say without a doubt i have had phases in my recovery where referring to the POWER that fuels my recovery as GOD, was an anathema to me and it was a term i avoided in extremis, actually changing the readings that start all of our meetings to substitute HIGHER POWER for GOD. it is no secret to anyone who knows me or has spent any time reading my various writings that my spiritual path does not include any sort of SUPREME BEING. for years on end, i struggled with any sort of spiritual path and when i finally chose the one that chose me, from the very start, it did not include a whole lot of the traditional structure that i was taught by family and culture to which to adhere. coming to believe once again that some POWER could and possibly would restore me to sanity, finally allowed me to be who i am becoming. life in my skin these days, does mean that i can ditch the feelings i once had about certain terms and be comfortable sharing with others in a manner that makes them more comfortable, plus, being the lazy sot i am, it is certainly a whole let less syllables to spit out. 😉
as i sat this morning, i really did not “hear” anything about my spiritual path, in fact what i heard was forgiving others for having the desire to ask me to do something that i am no longer willing to do. once upon a time, i would have been dishonest to help a friend avoid the consequences of their poor decision making and less than stellar behaviors. i desired, above all else, approval from others and telling a lie or three to get that approval was right in the middle of my wheelhouse. i am not that guy anymore, in fact i have not been that guy for a minute. it is nice to be comfortable in my own skin without seeking or needing the approval of others. it is certainly nice o go to bed and not worry about whether or not the lies i told, would come back to bite me in my very flat ass. the anger that i felt, that was morphing into quite a resentment was released this morning, i forgave my friend for attempting to ask me to do something that violates the principles that i live by. i am now able to take their call and tell them that very salient fact of my life to day in active recovery. i am also willing to hear that wailing, moaning and the gnashing of their teeth as they attempt to manipulate me into taking care of them. i will survive that tirade and be a better person because of it.
life in my skin, on my spiritual path, is more than okay today. i know where i am going and what i may or may not do to get there. i can live a principled life, without conditions or compromises and fade the heat that may come because i choose to do so. for me, the payoff comes in the here and now and doing the next right thing because i am afraid of punishment is no longer part of who i am. i know what it is like to live under the cloud of lies and fears and i am no longer willing to do so, just for today.

∞ DT ∞