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this was not exactly what i heard as i sat this morning and allowed the noise of how to fix my bug at work to fade into the background. no what i kept feeling was a sense of not doing enough, being enough or having enough. this sort of stuff does not come up all that often for me, at least not anymore. i cannot fathom a logical or rational reason that today, of all days, it came screaming to the surface. it sorts of ties back to what i wrote about yesterday, but, in ant-y event, i can move on to what is on my mind right here and right now.
coming to believe in myself has been a very long and arduous journey and i am amazed by how some my peers, with far less clean time, seem to arrive at that [place with little or no apparent effort. perhaps they were not as sick as i was, or are just faster at implementing the various moving pieces of a program of recovery. the fact of the matter is, i am comparing what i see in them with what i feel about myself and both of those observations, more than likely are more than a bit flawed. when i go there, every so often, i have to remind myself of who i am, where i am going, and how i got here. i am an addict ion recovery that is on a journey to become the best person he can be, because he stayed clean, worked steps and implemented THE program of recovery in his life. i can say that right now, i do believe in myself and that longing for “more” was echoes from the part of me i call addiction.
one part of the very long reading last night, spoke to looking at whether or not i the program still fits for me, now that i have transcended my identity as an addict. certainly a valid question and perhaps it was the driving force for the doubts that floated to the surface in the void this morning. there was a time when i was loathe to wear the moniker of “addict.” today, i know that is an inherent part of who i am, and after a bit of work on my recovery journey, one of the parts that make up the whole of who i am. after a bit of consideration, i am exactly where i want and probably need to be. i have someone to believe in, myself as well as my friends, peers and family members. right here and now, i am starting to feel a bit of respect from those with whom i work. more importantly i feel more than a modicum of self-worth and self-respect and am getting the notion that even when i make a mistake or three, i am still going to be okay. time to totter off to work and get that bug fixed, after all i have all the personal bugs “fixed” for right now.

∞ DT ∞