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a more comfortable version of myself, i GET to see what i am leaving behind. sitting here this morning, far too early, what i hear when i finally shut down and listen, is that the choices i make on a daily basis, are part of the version of myself i have become. i have often said, that i am not the man i once was, and while that may be true on some level, the fact is, i still am exactly that man. i choose to behave in a different manner, than i once did. my life has all the trappings of being “normal” and if one did not know me back in my “dark ages,” one might mistake me for someone who is not an addict. this more comfortable version of myself, has progressed to the point that the outward indications of what i am, have almost been removed. i am finally getting what i always wanted, a version of myself that i can be comfortable showing to the outside world. that desire, as odd as it may seem, is at the heart of my insanity and those stories that have come down from “on high,” and are seemingly written in stone.
this morning as i journey to support a friend and sponsee, what i am hearing is a bit of of an exercise in what would my life look like, if i stopped retelling myself the stories that i wrote all those decades ago. the story of not being big enough, impressive enough, better than average and worthy of social interactions. quite a leap for this socially retarded individual. which sets off a whole chicken vs egg argument, was i socially awkward before i felt “less than” or was being socially inept the root of low self-worth? although the argument may present some interesting thought exercises, i am wondering how much it really matters? what i am uncovering is that i am more okay with who i am, i am a more social and likeable version of myself. the two of those seem to go hand in hand, and it is learning how to socialize withing the rooms, that may be leading to me believing that i am worthwhile, exactly as i am, right here and right now.
i made an assertion when i started this exercise, that i am the same person who walked into the rooms, way back when. i know it is a nice thought to think i have become something different. before i i get far too cynical, what i mean by that, is as i am uncovering, the garbage i walked into recovery with, is still being carried along in my journey to be something more. it is true, i have compassion, empathy and can do something good without any expectation of reward, but for me, those are relearned behaviors. i can revel in the fact that i do walk through life with far less undesirable consequences these days. i can carry the weight of thousands of days clean and be grateful for that burden. most importantly, if i choose to do so, i can be an even better version of myself, just for today.

∞ DT ∞