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and the more vigorously i defend my **right** to hold onto them, the more damage i do. an interesting thought this morning -- secrets as reservations. what it brought up in my quiet time this morning was a quick inventory of whether or not i was holding on to any secrets -- large or small. this is where the spin can start -- what exactly is a secret? is something a secret once i share it with my sponsor, or my significant other, even though they may be the only people other than me that know it? by definition, that would seem to mean that it is no longer a secret, after all, at last one person other than me knows it. what i have found however, is that i can share what i consider secret with someone else, and still act out on it to the world in general, and recapture that feeling of getting away with something. the danger for me, is that getting away with something is a path back towards active addiction. after all, if i can do this and not get busted well i can…
that is how the part of me i call addiction operates, the whole slippery slope principle in living color, one second at a time. it gets even more pernicious than that. if i can satisfy the letter of the law, by telling one more person a secret, then since it is no longer a secret, i have permission to act on it again and again and again, as most of what i consider secret these days, is my less than stellar behavior. after all. what would you think of me, if you saw me acting out on it. as it has become evident, my secrets these days are my reservations, and the addict lawyer inside, looks for the loopholes so that i can safely operate without being detected.
so what secrets do i have to share today? well for once in my recovery, i am currently without an active secret behavior being acted upon. that does not mean, i will be free from this in the future, nor does it imply that i was spotless in my past. no what that statement says is, that right here and right now, i am currently without secret behaviors or feelings or thoughts, that i can hide and act out on. am i some sort of recovery saint? not be a long shot! just lucky to be a in a spiritual phase of my life today. so it is off to walk the dog and get a start on my day.

∞ DT ∞