Blog entry for:

either i surrender everything to my program, or i will lose my recovery. what a spooky and dire prediction, BUT, one that i have come to believe is reflected in my reality. so here i sit, about thirty minutes behind where i wanted to be, wondering if all my silly obsession with fantasy football was worth the time i just put into it. does not really matter, that time is gone, so i must march on with what i have.
i know the reading was about secrets and how they can consume, hence consume my recovery. on that point i totally agree and can move beyond that. what i heard as i sat quietly this morning was the line i used as my seed, namely what i do not surrender will take me out. ah, but i can hear you all saying, “WTF dude, you have never relapsed, what kind of experience do you have about reservations and going out?”
first hand, none whatsoever. there have been times in my recovery, when something inside took me to the brink. most of those times were intense and powerful emotions, especially grief. other dangerous emotions for me, have been rage and jealousy, when i choose to stuff those feelings mostly because i still see them as “negative” emotions, i start the spin down, as both of those will eat away at my heart and end up consuming me. i have, however, learned that even those emotions that i still attach a label to, will not kill me, when i decide to own them, tell a peer, closed-mouth friend or my sponse about them and them go. so close but no cigar, as far as relapsing because i could not let go of my reservations.
on the other hand, i have had sponsees and friends go out, and remain out over their so-called secrets that they were so desperately trying to conceal. it really is no secret that FEAR of being alone and not having someone to desperately cling to you, can take someone out. after all, if one gets better, one no longer needs to have someone dependent upon them, and no longer needs someone else to make them complete. ironically, i see some friends jumping from one burning building, into yet another, unwilling to let go of what they think they need. this is not out of the frying pan and into the fire kind of stuff, this is doing the exact same thing, and then whining about how bad the results are., and pretending that it was what you really always wanted, because one is to afraid of what everyone else may think. you know what? someone like that is without any HOPE, until they decide that they are worth more than getting laid.
it really is as simple as all that. yes i want to be seen as some kind of recovery guru. yes, i want to be respected, well-liked and popular BUT FVCK NO, am i going to compromise who i am today, to become all that. been there, done that, got the T-shirt. no today, i may get to watch the Broncos with some friends, or i may not. today i will get to a meeting, and today, i will let go of that crap that keeps me sick, at least in the here and now. time for phase 97 of my morning, yard work. it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞