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has secrets, right? everyone lies and everyone has something to hide except for me and my monkey! the whole trap of everyone, is what came to mind today as i sat down to pound this out. i have no clue of how many times i have heard or used one of those memes to get by with something or to attempt to put what i did in a context that makes me look better. it is after all, all about me!
when i consider what i attempt to keep secret from everyone, i realize there is very little there, someone out there knows about what i attempt to hide. the trick i came up with in active addiction and continue to use to this day, is that no one knows everything, or at least that is what my goal is, most of the time. what happens most often is the stuff i am trying to sweep under the carpet, ends up being shown to my sponse or a very closed mouth friend. what it comes down to is i either let it out, in a controlled and quiet manner, or it ends up blowing up in my face sending shards of shrapnel all over my life, wounding the ones i care about the most.in fact the harder i try to bury something, the worse off it ends up being.
having that little fact in mind, i see how trying to control who know what and when, is just that, at attempt to manage, what is inherently unmanageable, who i am and what makes me tick. this whole notion comes down to what a few online, well-paid hucksters are calling “reputation management.” instead of me behaving up to my spiritual ideals, i do my best to hide my less than savory bits under a mountain of spiritual camouflage, after all, if i distract someone from the facts long enough, eventually they may actually start buying what i am trying to sell. nice work, when you can get it. it all ends up in the same place however, and where it ends up, at least for me, is at STEP 3.
yes, here i go again, preaching about the steps. if that is upsetting, than perhaps it would be better to click away now. when it comes down to placing my WHOLE will and life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery and feeling the will of that POWER to choose my next action, i get a barely passing grade. at least that is what the judge, jury and executioner that is me, says, most of the time.it would be nice if i could just say take all of this, and actually mean it. it would even better for me to say thine will not mine. the day where that is my totally default set of actions, has yet to arrive. the fact that i am aware of keeping parts of me out of the public record provides me the FAITH, that perhaps, someday, my life will be an open book. unlike that famous 80#39;s politician Gary Hart, i am not going to say that i have nothing to hide, so go ahead and dig around. we all know how that ended. i will say i am no Mother Teresa, and yet i am just as valuable as she. i may not walk around saving the poor form their situation, but i do walk around saving myself and the small subset of humanity that fill my life from the chaos of my active addiction. it is a good day to be on this side of the grass, and perhaps, today, i will live my life as if no one is watching.

∞ DT ∞