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OR i will USE again. this is one of those tautologies that i need not act out to verify whether or not it applies to me. quite simply, watching the parade of addicts in and out of the rooms, is more than enough proof for me that this is a true fact, and not one of those that are made up to scare someone like me into submission.
the amazing part of this is, there is a part of me, that does not want to get honest, it wants to put on the perfect front, reveal no weaknesses, and never under circumstances admit to anything embarrassing. i know that part has less influence on my behaviors today than any time in the past, but unless i acknowledge that it is still there and active, i am in as much danger as if i was holding on a to a secret obsession to use. here is where the sh!t hits the fan, in a matter of speaking. i can stay in my head. hiding what i believe are flaws in my perfect façade, edging ever closer to that decision that this recovery gig is just not worth it, OR i can come clean with someone about what is really going on and move forward along the path of recovery, not trudging or plodding, but walking proudly with my eyes forward and my head held high.
what little secrets are burdening my soul today? well for one, i have not been motivated to work and there has not been a lot of it over the past month anyhow. yes i am paying the price and yes i have to work even harder now to catch-up, but it is what it is and i will survive this little bout of laziness, stronger for having gone through it and better able to recognize the signs that make self-employment gigs dangerous places to be.
another secret? i may not say it, BUT i really do enjoy the attention i get when my clean date rolls around and inside it irks me to have to share it with a grand-sponsee. after all, it was MY DAY, long before he got clean, HOW DARE HE GET CLEAN ON MY CLEAN DATE. does he not know who i am? would either of those secrets forced me into using? probably not, but writing them down for all to see, feels like a good thing to do this morning and releasing them from inside makes me feel a little bit more whole and certainly more genuine.
anyhow, i have to go take the long walk to counter the effects of my long run yesterday, and yes i am feeling all of those miles this morning. then i have more work to do, and i am actually willing to do it. so it is off to hit the streets and into this cool late summer morning, a bit lighter and certainly more than a bit more secure in the program of recovery that has brought me to this point.
BTW, Leonard i am not really that irked that we share our clean date, it was something inside i needed to say so i could move forward. i am proud to be your grand-sponsor and will help celebrate our clean date for as long as i am able.

∞ DT ∞