Blog entry for:
Sun, Sep 14, 2008 09:35:40 AM
α big secrets may represent a more obvious, immediate danger to my recovery β
posted: Sun, Sep 14, 2008 09:35:40 AM
but, the little secrets, do their own kind of damage, the more insidious perhaps because i think they are **harmless.**
i have a secret, or do i? well, really there is not very much in my life that is not known to someone, and more than likely by my sponsor. so sitting here this morning, it feels like this reading is once again preaching to the choir, so i believe i will move on to something else.
last night was my worst night since coming off the pain killers. i woke up at 2:00 AM in pain. had the bottle been accessible to me, i would have taken two and called my doctor in the morning. as i was lying on the couch waiting for the Advil to kick in, i was beginning to regret my decision to flush my medications, after all it has been less than ten days since surgery, and i am only human and they did do a major rearrangement of my insides and on and on and on. the reasoning continues, and i could probably make a trip to the ER for a quick fix and no one would think that i was seeking drugs to get high BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
BUT, i as i laid there on the couch, the pain subsided and i slept quite comfortably for another three and a half hours. this morning i am still hurting. why the pain chose to kick in after being absent for so long is a mystery to me, but i do not regret my decision to go down this path of tolerating pain and using non prescription medication. yes my life would be a whole lot more comfortable today with the pain dulled into nothingness, but each day i stay on those meds is one more day of greater dependence on narcotics and a greater chance that i will not be able to ever come back clean -- you know, first it is the surgery, i get a refill, then i am using to help me sleep, or because i strained my back lifting or my body aches because i ran too hard and then using becomes habitual and i am in full-blown active addiction. that is a consequence i find unacceptable today. so a bit of pain, a bit of discomfort and a bit of doing the next right thing for my recovery is what i choose to do.
i guess there was a secret in me after all! so off to get a few things done before going over to watch football with the boys!
i have a secret, or do i? well, really there is not very much in my life that is not known to someone, and more than likely by my sponsor. so sitting here this morning, it feels like this reading is once again preaching to the choir, so i believe i will move on to something else.
last night was my worst night since coming off the pain killers. i woke up at 2:00 AM in pain. had the bottle been accessible to me, i would have taken two and called my doctor in the morning. as i was lying on the couch waiting for the Advil to kick in, i was beginning to regret my decision to flush my medications, after all it has been less than ten days since surgery, and i am only human and they did do a major rearrangement of my insides and on and on and on. the reasoning continues, and i could probably make a trip to the ER for a quick fix and no one would think that i was seeking drugs to get high BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
BUT, i as i laid there on the couch, the pain subsided and i slept quite comfortably for another three and a half hours. this morning i am still hurting. why the pain chose to kick in after being absent for so long is a mystery to me, but i do not regret my decision to go down this path of tolerating pain and using non prescription medication. yes my life would be a whole lot more comfortable today with the pain dulled into nothingness, but each day i stay on those meds is one more day of greater dependence on narcotics and a greater chance that i will not be able to ever come back clean -- you know, first it is the surgery, i get a refill, then i am using to help me sleep, or because i strained my back lifting or my body aches because i ran too hard and then using becomes habitual and i am in full-blown active addiction. that is a consequence i find unacceptable today. so a bit of pain, a bit of discomfort and a bit of doing the next right thing for my recovery is what i choose to do.
i guess there was a secret in me after all! so off to get a few things done before going over to watch football with the boys!
∞ DT ∞
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
Another Look!
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Δ whether the secrets in my life are big or little, sooner or later, i must choose - - δ 278 words ➥ Thursday, September 14, 2006 by: donnot
↔ big or little, my secrets represent spiritual territory i am unwilling to surrender ↔ 361 words ➥ Friday, September 14, 2007 by: donnot
ε the longer i reserve pieces of my to be ruled by self-will ε 453 words ➥ Monday, September 14, 2009 by: donnot
ℜ i have learned shown that i must get and most importantly STAY honest ℜ 572 words ➥ Tuesday, September 14, 2010 by: donnot
∏ i want the kind of recovery that ONLY comes ∏ 401 words ➥ Wednesday, September 14, 2011 by: donnot
½ gradually, i am being shown that i must get honest , 1043 words ➥ Friday, September 14, 2012 by: donnot
— i must choose — 589 words ➥ Sunday, September 14, 2014 by: donnot
¾ secrets are ¾ 497 words ➥ Monday, September 14, 2015 by: donnot
🍎 everyone 🍏 637 words ➥ Wednesday, September 14, 2016 by: donnot
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🤫 only a 🤷 515 words ➥ Saturday, September 14, 2019 by: donnot
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“ harmless ” 421 words ➥ Tuesday, September 14, 2021 by: donnot
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🏴 total surrender 🏴 526 words ➥ Saturday, September 14, 2024 by: donnot
☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge
Book 2
3) Therefore the sage is (like) a square which cuts no one (with its
angles); (like) a corner which injures no one (with its sharpness).
He is straightforward, but allows himself no license; he is bright,
but does not dazzle.