ฮฑ big secrets may represent a more obvious, immediate danger to my recovery ฮฒ
Posted: Sun, Sep 14, 2008 09:35:40 AM
but, the little secrets, do their own kind of damage, the more insidious perhaps because i think they are **harmless.**
i have a secret, or do i? well, really there is not very much in my life that is not known to someone, and more than likely by my sponsor. so sitting here this morning, it feels like this reading is once again preaching to the choir, so i believe i will move on to something else.
last night was my worst night since coming off the pain killers. i woke up at 2:00 AM in pain. had the bottle been accessible to me, i would have taken two and called my doctor in the morning. as i was lying on the couch waiting for the Advil to kick in, i was beginning to regret my decision to flush my medications, after all it has been less than ten days since surgery, and i am only human and they did do a major rearrangement of my insides and on and on and on. the reasoning continues, and i could probably make a trip to the ER for a quick fix and no one would think that i was seeking drugs to get high BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
BUT, i as i laid there on the couch, the pain subsided and i slept quite comfortably for another three and a half hours. this morning i am still hurting. why the pain chose to kick in after being absent for so long is a mystery to me, but i do not regret my decision to go down this path of tolerating pain and using non prescription medication. yes my life would be a whole lot more comfortable today with the pain dulled into nothingness, but each day i stay on those meds is one more day of greater dependence on narcotics and a greater chance that i will not be able to ever come back clean -- you know, first it is the surgery, i get a refill, then i am using to help me sleep, or because i strained my back lifting or my body aches because i ran too hard and then using becomes habitual and i am in full-blown active addiction. that is a consequence i find unacceptable today. so a bit of pain, a bit of discomfort and a bit of doing the next right thing for my recovery is what i choose to do.
i guess there was a secret in me after all! so off to get a few things done before going over to watch football with the boys!
i have a secret, or do i? well, really there is not very much in my life that is not known to someone, and more than likely by my sponsor. so sitting here this morning, it feels like this reading is once again preaching to the choir, so i believe i will move on to something else.
last night was my worst night since coming off the pain killers. i woke up at 2:00 AM in pain. had the bottle been accessible to me, i would have taken two and called my doctor in the morning. as i was lying on the couch waiting for the Advil to kick in, i was beginning to regret my decision to flush my medications, after all it has been less than ten days since surgery, and i am only human and they did do a major rearrangement of my insides and on and on and on. the reasoning continues, and i could probably make a trip to the ER for a quick fix and no one would think that i was seeking drugs to get high BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
BUT, i as i laid there on the couch, the pain subsided and i slept quite comfortably for another three and a half hours. this morning i am still hurting. why the pain chose to kick in after being absent for so long is a mystery to me, but i do not regret my decision to go down this path of tolerating pain and using non prescription medication. yes my life would be a whole lot more comfortable today with the pain dulled into nothingness, but each day i stay on those meds is one more day of greater dependence on narcotics and a greater chance that i will not be able to ever come back clean -- you know, first it is the surgery, i get a refill, then i am using to help me sleep, or because i strained my back lifting or my body aches because i ran too hard and then using becomes habitual and i am in full-blown active addiction. that is a consequence i find unacceptable today. so a bit of pain, a bit of discomfort and a bit of doing the next right thing for my recovery is what i choose to do.
i guess there was a secret in me after all! so off to get a few things done before going over to watch football with the boys!
∞ DT ∞