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purpose, and belonging are certainly three words that do express a cognizant and germane part in the life of this addict. although i used service as my mask, for over a decade of my recovery, it certainly added purpose to my life, but not a whole lot of belonging. i did not want to belong, mostly out of the FEAR of being discovered as one of those who merely goes through the motions and at heart has no intention of being part of a community of addicts in recovery. i can say that it worked very well for me, i had the appearance of being part of, when actually my goal was to remain apart from and when my sponse asked me to let go of that identity, by doing something different, i was mortified, but complied with his suggestion, “And that has made all the difference.”
on Tuesday evening, i made a conscious decision to let go of the last committee in which i participated. it has been coming for a long time, and i can see now that other than being correct a few years ago, i cause more chaos and consternation than actual unity, when i participate. letting go of “this is how we have always done it,” and letting the fresh blood take that service in new and exciting directions, is certainly a good thing. it is not that my ideas, experiences or opinions are “bad,” it is just that perhaps they are a bit dated and certainly need a bit of revision. it may be true that i know what has worked in the past, but i am certainly clueless about what will work now and i have FAITH that those who are structuring how our fellowship carries the message, have the best interests of the addict who still suffers in mind. the only ego i see being the sand in those gears, is mine and time off will allow that ego to return to a state of humble service.
this morning, as i peeked at the status of my now forgiven friend, i see that even if i did what he desired, he would still lack the resources to be out and about. it si=is =sad that he failed so miserably at his plan to seek a better manner of living. after the first time he used, i lowered my expectations for the chances of his success, and he certainly lived down to them. as much as he may hate it, he is exactly where he needs to be, as life without the structure provided by incarceration, is a mystery to him and he does not believe he requires any assistance in figuring things out. that is of course, when it is nearly too late, then he is all over how terrible everyone and everything is. i know the feeling of living under the notion that everyone is looking at me, judging me and finding me wanting. i know that i would not ask for help, because i was afraid it would make me look weak and feeble. i now know that attitudes like those above, nearly killed me and holding anything against my friend because of those very same attitudes may be just about as deadly for me, as mere abstinence or active addiction. just for today, i will let go of what i think i may know and allow myself to see what i need to learn, whether it is about service to my fellowship or service to my friends, family or peers.

∞ DT ∞