Blog entry for:

reservations.
an interesting dilemma here, do i tell everyone all my secrets and live totally open and without any privacy?
do i keep everything to myself, keep apart from those who have my back, and pretend everything is alright?
sometimes it feels as if those are my only choices, the black and white of it, with no grey area in between. the reading seems to suggest that it also the case, but when i pause a moment and stop reacting, i see that is not what it says at all.
what i hear, when i get that pause, is that yes the parts of my life i keep secret, need to be shared, but they need not be shared with everyone or just anyone, i can choose my sponsor or a closed-mouth friend, to listen to those places i am afraid to reveal, and get the same peace of mind, that i could achieve sharing at an open meeting. for me, it is my sponsor, as he has the best understanding of who i am, and how i tick. he is the person, who can best put those secretive parts of me, into some sort of perspective and give me some insight into the whole enchilada.
today i really do not have any secrets that requiring and unveiling, not am i hiding whole chunks of my life from those around me. today, i am more open than i ever have been, and yet there is a part of me, that rigidly maintains my anonymity. just as one my peers is wont to do, i can use that as the loophole in this reading, after all is not anonymity, especially in my workplace and professional circles, keeping secrets?
that too, is an interesting question, yes there would be some consequences that were less than satisfactory with my co-workers and employers finding out about my life as an addict in recovery. there would be awkward silences and certainly a change in their behavior, because the stereotype of someone like me, is that we are fragile beings, tottering on the brink of relapse, capable of being pushed over the edge with a single poor joke or someone drinking in our presence.that would suck for me, so i choose to keep it on the “down low,” so i can be just another one of the guys, except when it comes to beer-thirty.
is that a reservation? i think not, but when i speak to my sponse again, i will ask him what he thinks, after all, i am not always the s\\best judge of what is and is not the best idea in any situation. it is however time to wrap this up and get moving do0wn the road to that very same job. it is a good day to be clean and a better one to be an active part of my life.

∞ DT ∞