โ secret reservations?? โ
Posted: Wed, Sep 14, 2005 05:55:39 AM
my aunt used to say her the best thing she could make was reservations when we asked what was for dinner, but i do not believe that she was talking about the kid of reservations that the reading this morning was all about.
since i want to continue to get the gifts of recovery, i need to be very clear about those place in my life that i have reserved for relapse. those things that i would rather use over instead of face. it seems to me that it is obvious that any secrets i keep, will allow the part of me that i call my disease to work against me in moving forward with my program. what is insidiously more subtle is that each of the secrets is actually a reservation, unnamed and unresolved waiting for the right time to rear its ugly head and send me into a tailspin that may lead me back to active addiction.
when i was new to this way of life, i kept many secrets, mainly because i was incapable of trusting anyone else. today i have learned that trusting others is part of what i need to do, to maintain and grow my recovery. i would love to say here that someone knows all of my secrets, the tiny little embarrassing ones as well as the biggies that could change my life, and as far as i know that is correct. but, and it is a big one, there is still stuff coming up from the wells of my memory that are even secrets to me. it seems that when i was in active addiction, anything i found to difficult to face or to troubling to my way of life i buried deeply and did my best to forget, and i did. every now and again one of those surfaces and needs to be resolved and following the suggestions of my predecessors i do resolve them. what my biggest fear is about this treasure trove of shame is, is that one of these will be so devastating that i will not have the grace to resolve it before i use. so i carry on, working the program, extending my grace, and strengthening my resolve to not use anything just for today with the FAITH that you guys and my HIGHER POWER will see me through if and when this event occurs. i can trust people today with my secrets and i am grateful for that ability, so i do not have to use just for today!
∞ DT ∞
since i want to continue to get the gifts of recovery, i need to be very clear about those place in my life that i have reserved for relapse. those things that i would rather use over instead of face. it seems to me that it is obvious that any secrets i keep, will allow the part of me that i call my disease to work against me in moving forward with my program. what is insidiously more subtle is that each of the secrets is actually a reservation, unnamed and unresolved waiting for the right time to rear its ugly head and send me into a tailspin that may lead me back to active addiction.
when i was new to this way of life, i kept many secrets, mainly because i was incapable of trusting anyone else. today i have learned that trusting others is part of what i need to do, to maintain and grow my recovery. i would love to say here that someone knows all of my secrets, the tiny little embarrassing ones as well as the biggies that could change my life, and as far as i know that is correct. but, and it is a big one, there is still stuff coming up from the wells of my memory that are even secrets to me. it seems that when i was in active addiction, anything i found to difficult to face or to troubling to my way of life i buried deeply and did my best to forget, and i did. every now and again one of those surfaces and needs to be resolved and following the suggestions of my predecessors i do resolve them. what my biggest fear is about this treasure trove of shame is, is that one of these will be so devastating that i will not have the grace to resolve it before i use. so i carry on, working the program, extending my grace, and strengthening my resolve to not use anything just for today with the FAITH that you guys and my HIGHER POWER will see me through if and when this event occurs. i can trust people today with my secrets and i am grateful for that ability, so i do not have to use just for today!
∞ DT ∞