Blog entry for:

or not, secrets do keep me from being the person i want to be. something i am living with now, is inviting someone into my life, who up until recently was oblivious to who i am and what i am doing. their passive interest in my life, that now has become quite active is a bit unnerving and disconcerting to me. i am wondering if cutting them off, is truly the best course of action, or if i just need to “man-up” and accept the consequences of my decision. once upon a time, i craved their attention and approval, and now that i have it, after blogging about it, the approval i got feels bittersweet and lacking in conviction. it is ironic, that now that i have grown beyond having to have outside validation from anyone, i get what i so desperately sought for many years and now it does not matter. life in my skin is certainly interesting these days.
when it comes to secrets, it seems that the biggest one has already been revealed to the world. it was not living the lie that made me an addict and has hindered my growth in recovery, but it certainly was nice to have respite from the cognitive dissonance that caused by using and by acting out. acting “better” than i am and shouting from the rooftops of the fellowship, brought the sort of approval i thought i needed and allowed me to accept the lie that i was broken as the “truth.” i still like getting approval, but i find manipulating others to get it, sucks. what i heard this morning was to just let things be, for this moment. even though there is a bit of fury when i see a stupid little gif posted as a comment to what i write, i need to allow myself to feel that moment of pique, and move along.
speaking of moving along, i need to wrap this little baby up and hit the streets. i am worth taking care of myself, these days. i am worth investing in my health to live better as the years keep piling up. most of all, i no longer feel the need to get approval from others, but it is true, when offered spontaneously and sincerely, it does feel good. that is NO secret, but it is something i want to deny, as i must be better than all of that.

∞ DT ∞